By Gregory Porter
AKA Cpt. Awesome
I have to admit, the theatrical previews for New Moon were promising, however dripping with sappy love. The trailers promised action, violence and a level of depth that the first movie (and all of the books) lacked. This sort of thing can be done with book-to-movie transitions, especially when the source material is as irrelevant and vague as New Moon was. For instance, a blank canvas is easier to paint upon than one with artwork already on it. In this respect, Twilight is a near blank canvas with a poorly drawn penis on it.
As with everything Twilight related, the material is so simple and easy to follow that it makes stupid people think that it’s interesting and well written/acted/etc.
Now, I know what the Twilight fans are going to say. “Quit hating on our fandom, you probably haven’t even read Twilight!” No. I do not review things that I have not read or seen. I am not a total douche. I am just kind of a douche. I do not hate everything about Twilight, though I do hate most things about it. Twilight to me is like a bad soap opera. You know that it sucks, it’s poorly acted and overly dramatic but it’s so funny that you can’t look away. It’s like watching a bobcat getting hit by a car filled with Nazis.
The one part of the movie that I loved and thought was done perfectly was the one and only reference to the age difference between Bella and Edward. Bella is whining about how she is older than Edward and Edward points out that he’s technically one-hundred and nine years old to which Bella responds, “Well that’s creepy, you freaky old perv, I should call child protective services!” (or something to that effect). I do not remember that line from the book, but I loved it. I laughed my ass off, as did the Twilight fans, which made me hate myself a little but I guess good humor is good humor. Point is, Edward is a creepy old man in the body of a seventeen year old who looks like a twenty-five year old with a receding hairline and that’s just hilarious.
I was cautiously optimistic that director Chris Weitz would be able to take New Moon and turn it into something that doesn’t come off as a pre-teen masturbatory aid. I forgot, however, that Chris Weitz is the guy who took “the Golden Compass” (one of my all time favorite novels) by Philip Pullman, shat all over it and turned it into the greatest theatrical disappointment of 2007.
Part of me, however, knew that New Moon would be atrocious. How could it not be? New Moon is a novel written by a Mormon housewife who clearly has dreams about leaving her husband and kids and shacking it up with Adonis, albeit a sparkly Adonis with a cold penis, emo hair and a generally brooding demeanor. Oh my God… I get it. She wants to fuck a statue of Adonis…
The more obvious of my predictions won out and, as expected, New Moon was terrible. Did I say terrible? It was a damned train wreck…
I actually thought that certain parts of the movie were intriguing, such as when Bella is thrown headfirst into a wall and slices open her hand, resulting in Edward’s brother Jasper trying to eat her. Absolutely classic! I realized then that I enjoy watching Bella get injured and, fortunately, the director and screenplay writer seem to have agreed with me. Bella nearly dies every thirty minutes or less in New Moon. There’s an explanation behind this, something to do with Bella’s grief-roasted mind pining for Edward, but watching Bella cliff-dive and almost die under the crushing waves was absolutely thrilling. Who doesn’t want to see the most obvious modern depiction of a Mary Sue get nearly killed at every turn? Well, Twilight fan girls don’t, but they’re not real people anyway.
To recap thus far, the only thing I enjoyed was Bella knocking her brains around every few shots.
The basic plotline behind this movie is that Bella has Edward, Bella loses Edward, Bella jumps off of a fucking cliff, Edward tries to kill himself and Bella gets Edward back. You know, pretty much the storyline to most chick flicks.
Oh, I forgot to mention that about half of the movie is Bella being depressed, trying to kill herself and screaming into her blankets, which is fucking HILARIOUS. I couldn’t help but laugh every time Bella cried in her sleep because she fucking deserves it for dating an incubus.
But hey, at least Jacob is around to help Bella out of her depression and fix her up a crotch rocket so she can crash into a rock and make her head bleed. Fun. Hey, Bella’s head is bleeding, so the most logical thing for Jacob to do is rip his shirt off and use it as a rag.
“Whoa, Jacob. You’re sort of hot.”
“Whoa, Bella, you’re plain, uninteresting and annoying as hell. I totally want to fuck you.”
“Lolz, you jokester.”
“…”
But wait! Jacob is a goddamned WEREWOLF and he leaves her too, until he realizes how much he wants to bone her. Some bullshit happens and they’re friends again. But only kind of, because she consorts with THEM! OH EM GEE.
About 90% of the time that Edward and Jacob are on screen they are naked from the waist up, which gets really annoying after a while. I GET IT, YOU’RE BUFF AND LITTLE GIRLS WANT YOUR BODIES. Wear a fucking t-shirt.
The most annoying thing about this movie was that Twilight fans are the most inconsiderate pieces of shit on Earth! Every time they “Ooh!”d and “Aaah!”d when Jacob or Edward got naked I wanted to make use of the piano wire in my pocket. If I were a douchebag in real life, I may have screamed out “OMG, GO LAVA BOY!” every time Jacob came on screen, or perhaps, “OMG, HE WAS SO MUCH BETTER AS CEDRIC” when Edward’s apparition was making Bella crash her crotch rocket. I do value my life, however, and do not wish for a bunch of Twilight fangirls to beat me within an inch of my life and claw my eyes out with their sparkly acrylic nails. Those bitches be crazy.
Over all, I can’t say that I was disappointed because a great part of me expected and wanted New Moon to suck. I wanted New Moon to be terrible so I could write this review. If I had enjoyed New Moon I would be honest and tell you. I just don’t understand why people enjoy this saga. There are many better vampire movies out there with wonderfully developed characters. Yeah, it’s easy to like Bella in the books because her character is such a shell. There’s really nothing to her or her personality, besides the fact that she’s clumsy and wants to die. Any girl can put herself in the place of Bella because she’s not a character. Her name may as well be, “Insert Name Here”, which comes down to all of these Twilight fans wanting to shack it up with Edward. Girls can picture themselves as Bella in the books which is the only reason why anybody likes it. Ooh, Edward! Granted, he’s not any more interesting than Bella but at least he’s hot, right?
Oh, for that matter, if you’re a man and you like Twilight you’re gay. I don’t mean “Gay” as in stupid, you like MEN. You want to gobble some vampire knob. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I really hate people. Really? People enjoy this shit? Let me tell you something about self-hating vampires. They’re not interesting unless they’re ACTUALLY VAMPIRES. Shit! Goth kids drink blood too, it doesn’t make them vampires, just stupid.
The best thing about this review is that while I can actually form a coherent thought all of the people who disagree with me can’t, but that sure as hell won’t stop them from trying as they fill my inbox with hate mail.
Getting emails about how I’m a “retrd and twilt roxxors!!!l1111!!!1one!!111!!!” makes me feel better about my stance on this series.
Why must I make fun of Twilight and its fans? Do they really deserve all of the crap they get for simply enjoying a series? Yes! And I will explain why. It’s simple: as a species it is evolutionarily imperative that we make fun of and encourage the humiliation of Twilight fans until there are none left. “Twilight” has reached a cult status and it needs to end. Twilight is shit and its fans are the dumbest most violent creatures on Earth.
Oh, in case you haven’t seen the movie or read the book yet: Edward proposed to Bella in the end. OH EM GEE!
If I spoiled the ending for you I don’t really care.
Stay tuned for Sparkly Vampires III: Unpopped.
Coming whenever the fuck the third movie hits the dollar theater.
- Cpt. Awesome
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