Did you know that Sparkly Vampires gets just as much fan mail as it does hate mail? Yeah. It's true. What, don't believe me? Click Here, you skeptical little twat. At least some people have a fucking sense of humor...

Since the launch of SparklyVampires.com back in July 2009 I have received a very steady flow of hate mail, though recently that flow has gone from steady to absolutely heinous on my inbox. Keep it coming, bitches. You know how I love to make fun of you. Now, on to the hate mail.

- Latest Update: August 24th, 2011 -

Name: Anonymous
Message: You do realize that half of the time you come off as this obnoxious asshole, not the kind that someone would want to fuck into oblivion rendering it little more than a cummy bruised fuck-hole, but more Charlie Sheen high on coke, screaming "winning!" with two obvious hookers.
Just wondering.

I think I love you. I would try to come up with a witty retort but I'm just too damned proud..

This is the best hate mail I've ever recieved.

Name: Brit
Message: I'm not going to go totally crazy because that's what you want me to do! I will calmly present to you my opinions on the Twilight Saga so that you can see reason.

I know that’s very difficult for a Twilight fan. Give it a shot.

Twilight is a love story and you are not the target audience. IT WASN’T WRITTEN FOR YOU!

How am I not the target audience? The target audience should be someone who likes at least one of the following things: vampires, romance… oh wait, that’s all there really is to Twilight. Well, I do like vampires and romance.

The fact that I am so turned off by the writing style also has nothing to do with me being or not being part of the target audience. Good writing is good writing. Likewise, bad writing is bad.

Okay, so we’ve established that I’m not part of the target audience (which, I assume, you think is supposed to be individuals with a vagina), and you’re trying to keep a level head. So far, you’re pretty mediocre at this “not getting mad” thing.

You need to get over yourself and realize that everybody doesn't have to enjoy the same thing.

I need to get over myself? Oh hon, I only come off as overly conceited to others if they fail to realize that this website is a joke. My opinions are greatly exaggeration on here for the sake of hilarity. Sure, you may not find it funny, or you may even think that I’m condescending, but it’s not my fault that you’re too stupid to get it. Get it? Irony!

I am entirely aware that not everybody has to enjoy the same thing, but that’s the thing here. Nobody should enjoy Twilight. Twilight is poorly written and it baffles me to know that it’s popular in any way. Ultimately, the saga typically attracts unintelligent people which is why it’s so easy to make fun of.

Get a life, get off your computer, and do something worthwhile!

I spend about an hour a week on this website maximum because people like you send me hate mail that requires my attention. Hey, attention-whore, consider getting off your damn computer, stop flaming a guy who obviously will never change his mind, and do something worthwhile. For instance, you could go give a handy-J to that cute guy at the bowling alley. Come on, if you don’t do it he’ll leave you just like Edward left Bella in New Moon. Seriously, look what happened to her! After Edward left her she became boring and entirely unreadable for over two-hundred pages! Do you want that to happen to you?

Just because you don't like something doesn't mean that other people can't not!

This sentence makes very little grammatical sense. “Just because you do not like something does not mean that other people cannot not [like something]”. So, just because I don’t like Twilight doesn’t mean that other people can’t not like Twilight? What the hell? The rest of your email is pretty much okay so I’m going to give you a pass and call this a “typo”.

I will take this sentence to mean, “Just because you’re not a fan doesn’t mean that you have to ruin everybody else’s enjoyment of the saga.

In which case, fair point. Thing is, 90% of my hatred of the Twilight Saga stems from its fans being infuriated and altogether hilarious when their interests are called into question. If you people want me to stop then do yourselves a favor and stop responding to my hate mail. SparklyVampires.com serves mainly as a source of enjoyment for people who already dislike Twilight. What I’m trying to say is that you’re not the target audience.

What now, biatch?

It doesn't make them stupid just because you're not interested. That's ignorant of you and you are no better than the angry Twilight fans who send you hate mail. I am not angry, I am better than that.

No, simply liking Twilight does not make someone stupid. However, being stupid does make someone stupid. I have incontrovertible evidence. Just look at this flow chart that I have created.

I was too lazy to create a real flowchart, so I created this simple equation.

Stupid Person + Stupid Interests = Stupid person with stupid interests. My logic is flawless.

You're probably going to call me stupid or something but I'm not. I'm an intelligent woman who happens to enjoy Twilight.

You really seem to feel the need to prove something to me. I really don’t care if you’re intelligent or otherwise. For whatever reason, you have some deep desire to email me a rant about how I’m wrong about my views on Twilight or perhaps particularly Twilight fans and you never actually make a point besides trying, and desperately failing, to insult me and what I do. Why is it that you Twilight fans don’t understand that I am just as entitled as you are to have an opinion? Yes, my opinion is contrary to yours. Get the fuck over it.

What are you?

Well, I’m… Oh, you’re going to answer for me.

You're a sudo intellectual gay man who feels the need to prey on people who are impressionable and easily angered.

Why exactly is it that you people never have spellcheck? Oh God, is it because you’re using internet explorer instead of a modern browser with spell-checking capabilities? Barbarians! You might as well be trying to eat tomato bisque with a fork and a wooden club crusted with deer blood.

Okay, So, am I pseudo-intellectual or pseudo intellectual gay? This is very important to me, because I pride myself on being genuinely homosexual.

That aside, your argument is completely lacking in logic.

Well go fuck yourself "Captain Awesome".

So much for the “not getting angry” thing.

Name: Anonymous
Subject: WHY?
Message: Your review made me cry.

That's awesome.

Name: NotAFan
Message: I am an intelligent, 40-something mother of two who happens to like to like the Twilight Saga. Why can’t you just let people enjoy Twilight and get on with your own life?

So what, other people like Twilight and you don’t! Get over it! Don’t you have something better to do with your life?

First of all, that’s deeply unsettling. You’re forty “something” years old (for the sake of this email, I’m going to assume that this means that you’re forty-nine and your body is gross) with children and you’re reading a book that focuses on the sexual exploits of a young girl and her 17 year old and/or 120 year old vampire boyfriend? Jesus Christ, that’s creepy. Don’t you have a significant other to release your pent up sexual frustrations upon?

Moving on.

What is it with you Twitards and assuming that I have no life? I never, ever update this website if I didn’t receive so much hate mail. And no, I can’t let others enjoy Twilight without understanding that the saga is a vapid wasteland of glorified spousal abuse, MarySue-ism, sexism stemming from a twisted religious point of view, and a complete disregard for proper literary form. If you know all of this and still enjoy the Twilight Saga I am more than happy to allow you to enjoy it, so long as you recognize it as a guilty pleasure and not a work of literary genius. Simple fact is, it’s not. It’s poorly written poppycock that comes off as the sexual fantasies of a Mormon housewife. Oh right, that’s exactly what it is.

Yes, I do have something better to do with my life. I’m going to go back to doing it after I send you this response to your hate mail. You go ahead and do something better with your life after you’re done raging at my website.

Name: Berlin
Message: I don't understand why you hate Twilight.

Really? Was my seven page review no indication of how I feel? Maybe I need to be more direct in my approach next time I write a review.

Name: Patrick
Message: I liked your review until I saw that you’re gay! Hahaha, dude, you’re a fucking faggot. That’s fucking gross, do you think I’m hot? Wanna suck my dick? Well you can’t cuz I’m not a fag like you! Get AIDS, faggot!

Well, you are pretty damn hot. I mean, I’ve never seen you in real life or even a picture of you but since I’m gay you can infer that I’m attracted to and want to violently bone all men, regardless of age, education, intellect, or mutual attraction because, you know, that’s how gay men are. I also like to troll bathhouses for anonymous sex and I have a glory hole in my own bathroom. This may be going overboard, but I think you deserve to know that I’m currently sitting naked responding to your email while a hairless Filipino guy rubs Nutella on my nipples.

I have no idea who, but someon gave a Twilight fan my AIM screenname. For the sake of anonymity I have replaced the screennames with my perception of myself and the girl I was chatting with.

DirtyTwatbag: I heard that you’re the guy behind Sparkly Vampires
Captain Awesome: Yep. Did one of my friends give you my screenname?
DirtyTwatbag: something like that, yes
CaptainAwesome: Okay then.
DirtyTwatbag: who the fuck do you think you are?!
Captain Awesome: Oh, here we go. Is that a rhetorical question or should I make you feel like an idiot right now? That is why you Twilight fans talk to me, right? You want to be abused? Some sort of sexual fetish?
Dirty Twatbag: shut the fuck up you sick bastard! Your review pissed me the fuck off and I expect you to apologize!
Captain Awesome: No.
Captain Awesome: Absolutely not.
Dirty Twatbag: you’re probably too much of a pussy to say sorry
Captain Awesome: Can you leave me alone, you dirty bitch? I’m busy with homework, so unless you want to finish my design homework for me I’d rather not chat with you.
Dirty Twatbag: fuck you!
Dirty Twatbag: you’re such a dick!
Dirty Twatbag: asshole!
Captain Awesome: Indeed. That’s very eloquent of you.
Captain Awesome: Which one of my friends did you say gave you my screenname?
Dirty Twatbag: I didn’t say.
Captain Awesome: Right. Well, it’s been lovely chatting with you but I have to do my homework.
Dirty Twatbag: whatever, asshole! You’re such a faggot!
Captain Awesome: Well, you’re stupid AND homophobic. Good job on that.
Dirty Twatbag: hahaha, did that piss you off?
Dirty Twatbag: are you mad yet?
Dirty Twatbag: faggot!
Captain Awesome: Not really, I actually think that it reflects worse upon you.
Captain Awesome: You see, one day you’ll have a gay boss and you’ll slip up and admit that you’re a homophobe. Then he’ll fire you.
Dirty Twatbag: whatever. I’m never going to work for a fag
Captain Awesome: Oh, yes you are. We’re everywhere!
Captain Awesome: We’re in your offices, your supermarkets, at theme parks, at restaurants!
Captain Awesome: You can’t avoid us.
Dirty Twatbag: if I see you I’ll beat the shit out of you.
Captain Awesome: lol, okay then. I guess I’ll have to just keep looking over my shoulder.
Captain Awesome: I’ll become a recluse, all because your scary antics will have kept me under lock and key.
Captain Awesome: Please no!
Dirty Twatbag: you suck at sarcasm! Hahaha, faggot.
Captain Awesome: Okay, look here cunt, I have no desire to talk to you. Please leave me alone.
Captain Awesome: I would go to the effort of blocking you but I feel that it would better serve your character if you learned to shut the fuck up on your own.
Captain Awesome: That and you would probably hop on another screenname to keep bothering me.
Dirty Twatbag: hahaha, yep! Asshole! This is what you get for hating on Twilight! I hope you fail that homework.
Captain Awesome: You’re dangerously unstable.
Dirty Twatbag: no I’m just pissed at you! Your website is suck a joke!
Captain Awesome: Okay hon, that’s cute.
Dirty Twatbag: I fucking hate you!
Captain Awesome: J
Dirty Twatbag: faggot!
Dirty Twatbag: asshole!
Captain Awesome: You already said that.
Dirty Twatbag: God, you’re so fucking stupid!
Captain Awesome: I bet that the gods wouldn’t appreciate being talked to that way. You should repent.
Dirty Twatbag: STFU!
Captain Awesome: STFU? You mean, ”Stop Those Fiendish Unicorns?!
Captain Aweasome: But I love unicorns!
Dirty Twatbag: you’re so fucking retarded!
Captain Awesome: YSFR?
Dirty Twatbag: FUCK OFF!
Captain Awesome: Okay. Do you have some lube I can borrow? I would go dry but it’s so much better when you’re wet and wild.
Dirty Twatbag: [Dirty Twatbag signed off]

Name: An921
Message: Twilight is amazing and just because you can’t see that odesnt mean that Twilight sucks, it means that YOU SUCK! IM SORRY IF YOU DIDNT GET THE MEMO BUT YOUR RETARDED!

My retarded? I don't have one of those. I don't understand your syntax. Are you retarded?

(Later) SHUT THE FUCK UP! MY UNCLES A LAYWER AND IM GONNA SUI YOUR ASS! GET READY.

Holy shitballs, somebody just discovered the caps lock key. Please don't sui my ass, my ass is my greatest strength in my life. She's a beautiful mare named Buttercup.

Anyway, I look forward to getting a letter from your "LAYWER". I assume that's pronounced, "Lay-Were?", yes? Is that anything like a lawyer? If so, I guess I should be shaking in my flip flops.

I do highly recommend trying to hire your Uncle Lawyer to sue me. I shouldn't be the only person who gets enjoyment out of your idiocy, right?

Name: lizzy
Message: hey dude i am i 13 yr old girl. now i know what ur think. u r prob thinking i am gonna try to convince u twilight is good. well i am not. i respect ur opion tho i strongly disagree with it. and i hate the fact the that on the bottom it says u r gonna make fun of me. so ha. but one question y do u use so much profanity on ur website.u say ppl u read twilight and like it or stupid and idoits but useing profanity shows just as much or not more unintelligence. and dont post my email on the internet if u choose to make fun of me. thts just wrong. -xXTEAMJACOBXx

The profanity is there because my review of Twilight is a humor piece and is not meant to be taken seriously. Congratulations, you found my review offensive. You were supposed to.

I find it hilarious that you try (and fail) to insult my intelligence while spelling with all the literary prowess of a decapitated goat. Why does your email feature so many appalling errors in spelling and, for that matter, judgment? The fact that you're unable to properly type in English shows much more unintelligence than my humorous, if completely unnecessary, use of profanity.

You sent me hate mail, you deserve to be made fun of. There is no mercy for the stupid. However, if you bothered to opened up the "hate mail" page on my web site you would be aware that I never post the email addresses of my haters, I only post their poorly written arguments. I'm not a fan of spamming or flooding inboxes and trust me, you would hear from my fans if I posted your email address. If you want me to I'll even post your name as something other than Lizzy. I'm just that nice of a guy.

If you want me to change your name to something else I'd be more than happy to. Do you like the name Carla? Or Amber? How about Maude? That's finalized, I'm going to call you Maude. I would name you "Renesmee", but I'm not that mean.

Thank you for your message, it's wholly unappreciated.

Maude/Lizzy's Response:
HEY DUDE COOL IT FOR A SECOND! my spelling mistakes r called abbreviations. i writeing u an email not typein and english report. jez dude. ok 1 dude u need to chill i mean were is the love?! oh yeah my spelling mistakes im going back to tht. u probley aren't awesome enough 2 no wht gtg of lmao means. thts kinda sad. and number 3 i am i teenage girl comparing me to a decapitated goat doest make you " just that nice of a guy" so ha

Let me tell you a sad fact, little girl. People judge you by the words you use. You are not doing yourself any favors by abbreviating every other word when emailing me. For the record, abbreviations are fine when used correctly. You, however, abuse the concept.

I feel compelled to teach you a few things. First, not every word needs to be abbreviated. Yeah, you do use some abbreviations in your post but the "u" is not a proper abbreviation for "you". You do realize how lazy and utterly idiotic it is to abbreviate a three letter word, right? Are you really that unintelligent? I don't give a flying fuck if you're only thirteen, you sent me hate mail and hate mail directed at me is met with criticism. If you wanted a nice response you should have send a well formed, spell checked email with at least a general idea of how English syntax works.

You stated in your email that I’m probably not “awesome enough” to understand the acronym “LMAO”. My generation CREATED the original netspeak, so don’t lecture me about that, little girl. On what planet is using an acronym considered awesome anyway? Is this the kind of thing that goes for “cool” on the playgrounds? How ridiculous.

I know enough of netspeak, texting language, internet slang, etc, to thoroughly hate it. I'm sorry for being an educated adult, that's my fault. I decided at a very young age to be uncool (you know, intelligent) and not shit the English language out when communicating with others. I’m sorry, that’s just how I roll. Do remember though, everything you think is cool was started by my generation, so have a little bit of respect for those who you’ve been shallowly impersonating.

As for me not being a nice guy... do you even understand the definition of irony or hasn't your fifth grade teacher gotten that far in his or her lessons? Are you familiar with humor? Or perhaps satire? Honey, please look these words up because I feel that I would be doing you a disservice if I defined them here for you. Do yourself a favor and buy a dictionary, a thesaurus (which is not a type of dinosaur), and maybe even a Becktionary if you’re a fan of Futurama.

Frankly, I don't care that you're only a teenager because I was never this stupid when I was your age. In fact, when my grammar was wrong I relished in the opportunity to be corrected because I am striving, just like you should be, to master the English language. You should take the advice that I have given you here and get something out of it. Try to be a better writer, try to understand why I believe what I do, and for the love of God just TRY to not be an idiot when emailing people who are smarter than you.

Simply put, if you are old enough to send me hate mail, you are old enough to be made fun of. Don’t hide behind your age, that won’t get you anywhere in life.

Read your emails aloud before sending them. If they don't make sense, revise until they do. Your email is just barely coherent. You're lucky I have a crack team of linguists at my side to translate everything you send me into English, otherwise your emails would go unanswered

Somebody should tell your parents that you're abusing your internet privileges. Maybe you should even consider cutting out your internet time and start taking classes with Sylvan. So, pardon me for calling you out on your poor grammar but I don't believe in being nice just to make people feel better about their own idiocy. The swift degradation of the English language must be recognized and can no longer be ignored in our society. Falling standards of American education is bound to result in an entire unemployed and under-educated generation if we allow this abuse of our language to go on.

If you don't want me to respond negatively to your emails I have a magically simple solution for you.

STOP EMAILING ME FLIPPANT BULLSHIT!

I fully expect to recieve more unwanted emails from Maude in the near future. Stay tuned. Or not, I don't really care.

Name: Ash
Message: Edward is totally hot and your gay so you should understand that. All of my gay friends love Edward! He's so perfect!

Edward is a fictional character and he will never love you back. He's also not my type.

Name: Likeimgonnatellu!
Message: Yah hi guess wat IM A TWILIGHT FAN! Ur soSTUPID i cant believe you! You to grow up and GET A LIFE! Yeah i don't like eragon but I dont write WEBSITES ABOUT IT CUZ IM NOT A LOOSER!

"Likeimgonnatellu" didn't list his and/or her email address so I was unable to respond to her directly. Well, he and/or she did, but it was basically the same message as the name. "NUNYA@BUSINESS.COM". Anyhow..

I find your typing style to be personally offensive. My late pet fish Roxy was harmed by errant use of a caps lock key. She died from her injuries.

I think that the words "Smart", "Hate", and "Mail" in that order form an oxymoron.

No, I do not post all of the hate mail I get but that's mostly because I receive roughly twenty new emails per day, most of them with the subject line, "I FUCKING HATE YOU", or something to that effect. A lot of hate mail that I receive seems to be from people who are trying to get on the hate mail page, thinking that they're either being funny or that their "wit" will derail my resolve and get me to enjoy Twilight. No such luck, as I'm sure you can tell. However, I do post some of the "intelligent" hate mail here, as you can see. Not every entry on this page is riddled with spelling errors. They are, however, filled with utter nonsense and a general unintelligence that makes me feel better about my douchebaggery.

I appreciate your email and I understand that all Twilight fans aren't idiots, but most of them are and most is enough.

Oh, and I'm not keeping any hate mail to myself, exactly, I just don't post all hate mail I receive because most of it is too pointless to bother posting. I'd say that out of one-hundred emails filled with hate I find maybe ten to fifteen worth posting.

Your email has made me think, against my wishes, of Chris Crocker. I need to go vomit.

It is not my job to spell check the emails of others. I post exactly what is emailed to me and I cannot help it if this makes those sending the emails look stupid. The only thing between making my haters look stupid and having some dignity is the "send" button.

It's spelled "site", by the way. Or, if you want to be even more correct, "web site". Oh, and "spell check" is two words, not one. It is a commonly misspelled word, mainly due to the fact that the program that checks spelling is actually called "Spellcheck", or at least it is on some text editing programs, but the act of checking spelling is still two words. Hence, I spell checked your email for you.

What? Is he hiding?

Yes.

I disagree.

I like camomile tea with a bit of honey and cream. I also have a memory foam pad on my bed which really helps with falling asleep and staying asleep all night long. My back doesn't hurt when I wake up anymore! I HIGHLY recommend Tempurpedic.

An anonymous emailer had this to say about my response to Angel
Message: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU MISSPELLED CHAMOMILE! STUPID ASS!

Camomile has two spellings. It can either be "camomile" or "chamomile". Both are correct. Bitch.

Name: Sammi
Message: How could you create a website dedicated to hating on the best book of all time? You're just jealous of Stephenie Meyer and all of her fame!

Well, first wrote the review, then I bought the domain, then I got the web hosting, designed the site, and put it online! Easy as Lindsay Lohan!

Oh, and just because someone is famous doesn't mean that they are to be praised or envied. Hitler was famous too, ya know. I think he may have killed a bunch of Jews. Is Stephenie Meyer a Jew-killer? I don't know, I just don't know.

Sammi's Response:

HOW DARE YOU COMPARE STEPHENIE MEYER TO HITLER?

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