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Did you know that Sparkly Vampires gets just as much fan mail as it does hate mail? Yeah. It's true. What, don't believe me? Click Here, you skeptical little twat. At least some people have a fucking sense of humor...
Since the launch of SparklyVampires.com back in July 2009 I have received a very steady flow of hate mail, though recently that flow has gone from steady to absolutely heinous on my inbox. Keep it coming, bitches. You know how I love to make fun of you. Now, on to the hate mail.
- Latest Update: April 26th, 2010 -
Name: lizzy
Message: hey dude i am i 13 yr old girl. now i know what ur think. u r prob thinking i am gonna try to convince u twilight is good. well i am not. i respect ur opion tho i strongly disagree with it. and i hate the fact the that on the bottom it says u r gonna make fun of me. so ha. but one question y do u use so much profanity on ur website.u say ppl u read twilight and like it or stupid and idoits but useing profanity shows just as much or not more unintelligence. and dont post my email on the internet if u choose to make fun of me. thts just wrong.
-xXTEAMJACOBXx
The profanity is there because my review of Twilight is a humor piece and is not meant to be taken seriously. Congratulations, you found my review offensive. You were supposed to.
I find it hilarious that you try (and fail) to insult my intelligence while spelling with all the literary prowess of a decapitated goat. Why does your email feature so many appalling errors in spelling and, for that matter, judgment? The fact that you're unable to properly type in English shows much more unintelligence than my humorous, if completely unnecessary, use of profanity.
You sent me hate mail, you deserve to be made fun of. There is no mercy for the stupid. However, if you bothered to opened up the "hate mail" page on my web site you would be aware that I never post the email addresses of my haters, I only post their poorly written arguments. I'm not a fan of spamming or flooding inboxes and trust me, you would hear from my fans if I posted your email address. If you want me to I'll even post your name as something other than Lizzy. I'm just that nice of a guy.
If you want me to change your name to something else I'd be more than happy to. Do you like the name Carla? Or Amber? How about Maude? That's finalized, I'm going to call you Maude. I would name you "Renesmee", but I'm not that mean.
Thank you for your message, it's wholly unappreciated.
Maude/Lizzy's Response:
HEY DUDE COOL IT FOR A SECOND! my spelling mistakes r called abbreviations. i writeing u an email not typein and english report. jez dude. ok 1 dude u need to chill i mean were is the love?! oh yeah my spelling mistakes im going back to tht. u probley aren't awesome enough 2 no wht gtg of lmao means. thts kinda sad. and number 3 i am i teenage girl comparing me to a decapitated goat doest make you " just that nice of a guy" so ha
Let me tell you a sad fact, little girl.
People judge you by the words you use. You are not doing yourself any favors by abbreviating every other word when emailing me. For the record, abbreviations are fine when used correctly. You, however, abuse the concept.
I feel compelled to teach you a few things. First, not every word needs to be abbreviated. Yeah, you do use some abbreviations in your post but the "u" is not a proper abbreviation for "you". You do realize how lazy and utterly idiotic it is to abbreviate a three letter word, right? Are you really that unintelligent? I don't give a flying fuck if you're only thirteen, you sent me hate mail and hate mail directed at me is met with criticism. If you wanted a nice response you should have send a well formed, spell checked email with at least a general idea of how English syntax works.
You stated in your email that I’m probably not “awesome enough” to understand the acronym “LMAO”. My generation CREATED the original netspeak, so don’t lecture me about that, little girl. On what planet is using an acronym considered awesome anyway? Is this the kind of thing that goes for “cool” on the playgrounds? How ridiculous.
I know enough of netspeak, texting language, internet slang, etc, to thoroughly hate it. I'm sorry for being an educated adult, that's my fault. I decided at a very young age to be uncool (you know, intelligent) and not shit the English language out when communicating with others. I’m sorry, that’s just how I roll. Do remember though, everything you think is cool was started by my generation, so have a little bit of respect for those who you’ve been shallowly impersonating.
As for me not being a nice guy... do you even understand the definition of irony or hasn't your fifth grade teacher gotten that far in his or her lessons? Are you familiar with humor? Or perhaps satire? Honey, please look these words up because I feel that I would be doing you a disservice if I defined them here for you. Do yourself a favor and buy a dictionary, a thesaurus (which is not a type of dinosaur), and maybe even a Becktionary if you’re a fan of Futurama.
Frankly, I don't care that you're only a teenager because I was never this stupid when I was your age. In fact, when my grammar was wrong I relished in the opportunity to be corrected because I am striving, just like you should be, to master the English language. You should take the advice that I have given you here and get something out of it. Try to be a better writer, try to understand why I believe what I do, and for the love of God just TRY to not be an idiot when emailing people who are smarter than you.
Simply put, if you are old enough to send me hate mail, you are old enough to be made fun of. Don’t hide behind your age, that won’t get you anywhere in life.
Read your emails aloud before sending them. If they don't make sense, revise until they do. Your email is just barely coherent. You're lucky I have a crack team of linguists at my side to translate everything you send me into English, otherwise your emails would go unanswered
Somebody should tell your parents that you're abusing your internet privileges. Maybe you should even consider cutting out your internet time and start taking classes with Sylvan. So, pardon me for calling you out on your poor grammar but I don't believe in being nice just to make people feel better about their own idiocy. The swift degradation of the English language must be recognized and can no longer be ignored in our society. Falling standards of American education is bound to result in an entire unemployed and under-educated generation if we allow this abuse of our language to go on.
If you don't want me to respond negatively to your emails I have a magically simple solution for you.
STOP EMAILING ME FLIPPANT BULLSHIT!
I fully expect to recieve more unwanted emails from Maude in the near future. Stay tuned. Or not, I don't really care.
Name: Ash
Message: Edward is totally hot and your gay so you should understand that. All of my gay friends love Edward! He's so perfect!
Edward is a fictional character and he will never love you back. He's also not my type.
Name: Likeimgonnatellu!
Message: Yah hi guess wat IM A TWILIGHT FAN! Ur soSTUPID i cant believe you! You to grow up and GET A LIFE! Yeah i don't like eragon but I dont write WEBSITES ABOUT IT CUZ IM NOT A LOOSER!
"Likeimgonnatellu" didn't list his and/or her email address so I was unable to respond to her directly. Well, he and/or she did, but it was basically the same message as the name. "NUNYA@BUSINESS.COM". Anyhow..
I find your typing style to be personally offensive. My late pet fish Roxy was harmed by errant use of a caps lock key. She died from her injuries.
Name: ltlmmy
Message: Most of the hate mail on your web site is really stupid. I'm a Twilight fan and I'm not stupid. It makes me wonder if you only post the unintelligent hate mail and keep the smarter hate mail to yourself.
I think that the words "Smart",
"Hate", and "Mail" in that order form an oxymoron.
No, I do not post all of the hate mail I get but that's mostly because I receive roughly twenty new emails per day, most of them with the subject line, "I FUCKING HATE YOU", or something to that effect. A lot of hate mail that I receive seems to be from people who are trying to get on the hate mail page, thinking that they're either being funny or that their "wit" will derail my resolve and get me to enjoy Twilight. No such luck, as I'm sure you can tell. However, I do post some of the "intelligent" hate mail here, as you can see. Not every entry on this page is riddled with spelling errors. They are, however, filled with utter nonsense and a general unintelligence that makes me feel better about my douchebaggery.
I appreciate your email and I understand that all Twilight fans aren't idiots, but most of them are and most is enough.
Oh, and I'm not keeping any hate mail to myself, exactly, I just don't post all hate mail I receive because most of it is too pointless to bother posting. I'd say that out of one-hundred emails filled with hate I find maybe ten to fifteen worth posting.
Name: Leave Stephenie Meyer Alone!
Message: LEAVE STEPHENIE MEYER ALONE!!!
Your email has made me think, against my wishes, of Chris Crocker. I need to go vomit.
Name: glitter
Message: Why don't you spellcheck peoples emails before posting them to the sight? It just makes them look stupid.
It is not my job to spell check the emails of others. I post exactly what is emailed to me and I cannot help it if this makes those sending the emails look stupid. The only thing between making my haters look stupid and having some dignity is the "send" button.
It's spelled "site", by the way. Or, if you want to be even more correct, "web site". Oh, and "spell check" is two words, not one. It is a commonly misspelled word, mainly due to the fact that the program that checks spelling is actually called "Spellcheck", or at least it is on some text editing programs, but the act of checking spelling is still two words. Hence, I spell checked your email for you.
Name: JessyGal
Message: You need to find Jesus!
What? Is he hiding?
Name: Anonymous
Message: You're a complete asshole! You know that, right?
Yes.
Name: Stef
Message: You make some good points in your review, I can't deny that. But.. do you think that you could take your website down? It's not funny.
I disagree.
Name: Angel
Message: Just STOP IT! Your a complete dick! How do you sleep at night knowing that you make fun of something that makes people happy?
I like camomile tea with a bit of honey and cream. I also have a memory foam pad on my bed which really helps with falling asleep and staying asleep all night long. My back doesn't hurt when I wake up anymore! I HIGHLY recommend Tempurpedic.
An anonymous emailer had this to say about my response to Angel
Message: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU MISSPELLED CHAMOMILE! STUPID ASS!
Camomile has two spellings. It can either be "camomile" or "chamomile". Both are correct. Bitch.
Name: Sammi
Message: How could you create a website dedicated to hating on the best book of all time? You're just jealous of Stephenie Meyer and all of her fame!
Well, first wrote the review, then I bought the domain, then I got the web hosting, designed the site, and put it online! Easy as Lindsay Lohan!
Oh, and just because someone is famous doesn't mean that they are to be praised or envied. Hitler was famous too, ya know. I think he may have killed a bunch of Jews. Is Stephenie Meyer a Jew-killer? I don't know, I just don't know.
Sammi's Response:
HOW DARE YOU COMPARE STEPHENIE MEYER TO HITLER?
Well, first I opened up my inbox, read the email you sent me, typed some words into it in response to said email, and then I hit "Send"! Easy as fucking a scalding apple pie.
Sammi's next response:
Stop patronizing me! Just answer my fucking question!
I am unsure of how to answer a question that is presently engaged in the act of fornication. Frankly, I'm offended that you would ask me to.
Sammi's final response:
You're a fucking idiot.
I think that you must have your syntax all messed up, you speak in very broken English. Maybe you're getting your verbs and adjectives confused.
Name: Denise
Message: Yo, well lemme start of by saying that this isnt a fan letter/ mail. Haha, you know, I like your comics and I think your personalities are really funny, and \"Gothomo\" was a really brilliant and creative name. I\'ve probably never laughed so much over a site I came upon while I was illegally watching porn, haha (JOKING). Anyway, I LOVED the TWILIGHT Saga. I do not think it sucks, and I think that your soo jealous and admiring of the oh so fabulous and successful writer who goes by the name of Stephine Meyer, that you just had to copy her and make your own version of TWILIGHT. though Im not sure if all you did was criticize or actually make your own version cause I was too lazy to read it all (cause you wrote so damn much) and I dont think I ever will. Wow this ended up being pretty long . . . But yeah, If TWILIGHT really did suck then why did she win awards for her book? Why was her book turned into a movie? Why were millions of copies of her books sold? I mean, its not by force.
Oh, Denise. Where to start? Besides the fact that I am almost positive that your email is a joke (it is far too stupid not to be), here it goes.
I should first point out that I took the time to actually read all four Twilight books and Midnight Sun, while you had the metaphorical testicles to critique my review (mistaking it for a story?) without actually reading it. I can see how something that is merely seven pages would be deemed "too damned long" by somebody who genuinely enjoys Twilight. I understand, my writing is simply of a higher quality than Twilight. You cannot blame me, however, for having a vocabulary that trumps a Mormon housewife's.
Second is that your email is riddled with spelling and punctuation errors, instantly giving my opinion (and by extension, my review) a higher degree of plausibility than anything you have written to negate said review.
Third, your implication that my dislike for Twilight stems from jealousy is absolutely hilarious. I am a far better writer than Stephenie Meyer, but that is not saying much. Stephenie Meyer’s prose is horrific and the only reason why you disagree is because Meyer's simplistic writing style probably gets you wetter than a water slide. Perhaps even wetter than while you are on the search for "illegal pornography".
Fourth. Back to your admission of not reading my review. You have, for some reason, assumed that I copied Stephenie Meyer. To help ease your abundant stupidity, here is a point for point definition of “Review”.
re·view
v. re·viewed, re·view·ing, re·views
1. To look over, study, or examine again.
2. To consider retrospectively; look back on.
3. To examine with an eye to criticism or correction
For good measure, here’s a definition of “Copy”.
cop·y
n. pl. cop·ies
1. An imitation or reproduction of an original; a duplicate
I hope that clears up any misconceptions that you formed while not reading my review.
My fifth point of contention: Just because a book gets published or a screenplay gets turned into a movie by no means imaginable does that indicate that the book and/or screenplay does not suck. Have you seen the 1997 flick 'Batman and Robin'? Horrible. That is why reviews exist. Twilight, however, is not meant to be good, it is meant to sell sex to little girls without it being pornographic. Millions of books were sold because it was marketed to the most narrow-minded demographic on Earth; horny teenage girls. Meyer is one of the most inept writers of the decade and the fact that you fail to see that is a reflection of your idiocy, not a flaw in my opinion.
Your point is made with such flawed logic that I am tempted to believe that you are joking. Hell, I hope that you are joking. You are certainly entitled to your opinion but I have no respect for an individual who critiques something that they have not taken the time to read. Grow up.
For the record, anything you send to me will be posted to my web site and used to make fun of you.
Denise's Response:
Message: I really didnt think you'd actually reply to me, so I just wrote whatever. I think that you take pleasure in making people seem like their idiots because YOU are an idiot, weather you write better than Stephanie Meyer or not I don't care, and all this "I HAVE YOUR IP ADDRESS" Is very stupid. Why are you threatening people because they didnt like your review? Is it because its funny? Well I did find some the hate mail you posted on your site pretty hilarious, and so was the email that you sent, "Wetter than a water slide", really? Haha. Gosh, your so funny. Do whatever you please with the emails I send you, make fun of me if you wish, after all I did agree to enter your website. You know what? I CAN be an Idiot sometimes, Im sure we all can, even YOU, who clams to be a better writer than Stephaine Meyer. WELL, If your so good why dont you come out with your own book, Maybe then Ill reconsider my judgment of you, but right now your just another sadistic wannabe writer, who takes pleasure in critizing people. I dont Love you, But I dont hate you, haha.
I'm already published, hon.
I don't hate you either but I do find you to be hilarious, in spite of yourself.
As such, I feel compelled to point out every spelling, punctuation, and logical error in your email. My edits are in bright orange and parenthesized.
Here it goes:
I really didnt (your lacking of an apostrophe here is unconscionable) think you'd actually reply to me, so I just wrote whatever (revise, error in comma usage, or lack thereof). I think that you take pleasure in making people seem like their (they're, as in "They Are", not "their", which is possessive) idiots because YOU (stop screaming this way, you sound like Tourettes Guy) are an idiot, weather (whether, unless my writing has precipitation associated with it) you write better than Stephanie (You misspelled the author's name. And you call yourself a Twilight fan. Tssk Tssk) Meyer or not I don't care, and all this "I HAVE YOUR IP ADDRESS" Is very stupid. Why are you threatening people because they didnt (I'd like to see an apostrophe here) like your review? (No, I took her IP down because she implied that she wanted to chop off my man parts) Is it because its ("I" "T" apostrophe "S") funny? (Obviously) Well I did find some the hate mail you posted on your site pretty hilarious (You'll be there soon), and so was the email that you sent, "Wetter than a water slide", really? Haha. Gosh, your (You're usage, as in "You Are". "Your" is possessive. As in, "Your email is riddled with errors that your spell checker failed to catch) so funny. Do whatever you please with the emails I send you (Okay. I was going to anyway but I appreciate your permission), make fun of me if you wish (Okay...), after all I did agree to enter your website. You know what? I CAN (Tourettes Guy) be an Idiot sometimes, Im (apostrophe is necessary) sure we all can, even YOU (No, that's impossible. After all, I am Captain Awesome), who clams (clams are tasty, but I think you meant to say "Claims". The "I" is somewhat necessary) to be a better writer than Stephaine (This is the worst misspelling of "Stephenie" that I have ever seen) Meyer (I don't know many people who aren't better writers than Stephenie Meyer) WELL (Tourettes Guy), If your (God, am I talking to a brick wall here? "Your" is possessive!) so good why dont (apostrophe) you come out with your own book (I already am), Maybe then Ill (APOSTROPHE!) reconsider my judgment of you, but right now your (OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!) just another sadistic (hehe, yep) wannabe writer (I'm already published, hon. I don't see where the "wannabe" comes in. It's not like I don't already know how to write. Holy shit, I'm writing right now. Hey, I have perfect grammar! I think that you are the one who's a wannabe writer. Go back to school), who takes pleasure in critizing (it's spelled "Criticizing", honey) people. I dont (MOTHER FUCKING APOSTROPHE!!!!!) Love (why did you capitalize "love"?) you, But I dont (Now you're just fucking with me) hate you, haha. (I don't hate you either, but I sincerely never, ever, ever, ever want to meet you. Ever.)
I sincerely hope that I have helped you in your scholarly endeavors.
With Buckets of Love,
Cpt. Awesome
AKA Greg Porter
AKA Cpt. Awesome
After this Denise and I had a polite back and forth. She was a good sport about the whole thing and I commend her for that, even if she is a dirty stinking Twilight fan. In another world, devoid of Twilight, I may even have been able to call her "friend", were it not for the misspellings and general misunderstanding of the English language.
Name: Simon
Message: (something written in Chinese characters) (Translated using Babelfish.altavista.com:) "I use a translator so to translate this your can't read it! I make a bet this to drive you to be crazy!"
You have failed at being clever.
From an alarming number of people:
Message: FUCK YOU!!
Roughly 40% of the hate mail that clutters up my inbox consists of these two words with perhaps a few exclamation points afterwards. Every so often I even get an added, "Ur stoopid, lolz".
Name: Andrew
Message: Dear "Captain Awesome". What makes you think that you're so awesome? Your review is stupid and all of your points are totally wrong. Twilight is amazing and that's undeniable.
First of all, I am Captain Awesome because I am awesome and I am the captain of a fishing vessel. Well, that's not true but I am pretty awesome and "Mister Awesome" sounded too contrived.
As for Twilight being "undeniably amazing" I have only this to say: If Twilight's apparent brilliance is so undeniable how is it that the laws of the universe didn't strike me down when I wrote this review? I am entitled to my opinion and you are entitled to yours, despite the fact that your opinion is wrong, perhaps even undeniably so.
Name: Janes
Message: I saw on your about page that you're a Harry Potter fan. You really perfer Harry Potter over Twilight? Harry Potter is a fag and so are you! You can't deny it, you even said it in your stupid review! Are you aware that fags like you go to hell? Besides that, you're a jerk! Jerks go to hell too! You're probably a fucking pedophile too! JK Rowling is just a dried up old whore who wants to be a wizard!
Wow, where do I start? It's people like you who remind me of why I hate radical Christianity. I can guarantee that I've studied the Bible more than you. I'm not going to feed your idiocy by getting into a theological debate.
You have set me up for a debate about Harry Potter though. Harry Potter is very cleverly written while everything in Twilight is right on the surface. There is no depth in Twilight, nothing as thought-provoking as the brilliant prose of Jo Rowling. Rowling's work is much more diverse in that it appeals to a huge audience, inclusive of ethnicity, gender, sexuality, age, economic status, etc. The Harry Potter series promotes values without getting overly preachy. Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Saga appeals mainly to heterosexual, teenage girls and some creepy cougars, the entire series merely a novelized version of Meyer's wet dream. Her series does not promote self-worth or self-reliance, but on spousal dependence and abuse. Meyer's beliefs are so choking in the Twilight Saga that the mood and morality of the thing is choking and in your face.
Oh, and if J.K. Rowling just wants to be a wizard I think we can assume that Meyer dreams of leaving her family and fucking a vampire for all eternity.
In case you're wondering, I did steal the line from the next bit of hatemail and used it in my email to Denise (above). It was simply too funny not to use.
Name: JKI2130
Message: I know that Twilight sucks but it gets me wetter than a waterslide, so FUCK YOU!
I am so incredibly disgusted right now. I hope you wiped your hands off before you started typing.
Name: Brittany
Message: You, sir, are a
retard.
Oh. Okay. I'm glad we cleared that up.
Name: Jason T.
Message: I am a TwiGuy and I am
seriously offended by what you wrote in your review.
Twilight is not gay! Twilight is just misunderstood.
What part of,
"I READ THE ENTIRE SERIES" don't you understand? And
did you seriously refer to yourself as a "TwiGuy"?
Holy hell, I've never heard anything so gay.
Name: Jenni
Message: Ur review is really
homophobia. U should take it down b4 sum1 sues u.
Who's going to
sue me? GLAAD? Nobody can sue me over speaking my
mind, and considering that I'm gay I think that a
case claiming that I'm homophobic would fall short.
Name: A concerned parent
Message: My daughter came
across your website thinking that it was a Twilight
fan site! You should be ashamed of yourself and take
your website off the internet right now! If your
website hasn't been taken down in three days I'm
calling the police!!!
I'm going to
list out what is wrong with your message.
1. Everything.
2. My web site has a very clear warning about its
content on the front page.
3. The fact that your daughter thought "SparklyVampires.com"
could be in favor of Twilight is absolutely
fantastic.
4. I hope you do contact the police because I'd get
a major laugh out of it.
When did your daughter get the hint that this isn't a fan site? After she saw the toilet in the header or after I call Stephenie Meyer a twatface?
Name: AnonamosGrl
Message: Twilight totally rocks and
ur a dick!! Ur so fucking stupid! I hope sum1 rips
off ur cock and feeds it to u then shoots u in the
eye in pisses in the wound!!
I have your IP
address...
Name: "Stephanie Meyers"
Message: yah i red ur review and ur a total dick. i wrote twilight and u can fuck off cuz im rich and ur stupid and poor.
Okay, seriously? Stephenie Meyer isn't this stupid. She seems to at least have a basic grasp of the English language. Next time you try to trick me try using an email address other than, "BeckaHotzGrl15@xxxxx.com". So, how's life, Becka. Feeling stupid?
Becka's response:
Message: THIS IS ACTUALLY STEPHANIE MEYER AND IM CALLING MY LOYERS!
Name: Jim
Message: I agree with you
about Twilight but it's not cool of you to rip on
people like that. You're not helping your cause by
being an ass.
I don't have a
"cause". People who like Twilight aren't going to
change their views based on my review. I wrote this
because it's funny and I'm good at being an ass.
Name: Sophie
Message: I'm sorry that you're life
sucks so much that you feel the need to make fun of
others. Did daddy beet you? Did Uncle touch you?
Were you picked on at school? I bet you have a
really small penis your just compensating!
Yes, to all of
it! My daddy beat me, my uncle touched me and the
kids at school picked on me and then chopped off
half of my penis! IT'S ALL TRUE!
Because of this
adversity I developed a more refine taste in
literature.
Sophie's response:
lol, omg, are you serious?
Name: Rob
Message: Twilight has brought hope to millions. How could you attack something so pure and good for young people? This is like making fun of kids for learning how to read. My wife and I are seriously offended by this review.
Do I seem like the type of person who would care that you're offended?
Twilight is awful. If you disagree, you're either a total moron or you haven't read the series.
Furthermore, Twilight is NOT a novel for children. I certainly hope, if you do have children, that you're not force feeding them a novel so blatantly filled with sex, sexism and abuse. Give your children something for a younger audience, like Harry Potter, Dr. Seuss or something more suitable to preteens Calling Twilight "pure" is like saying that the Nazis are "just another political party".
You stated that my making fun of Twilight is like making fun of children for learning how to read. If the kids you are talking about who are old enough to read this novel (say, 13 and older), and are just now learning to read I highly doubt that they are mature enough to read a book like Twilight anyway.
And what is this "hope" that you speak of? What hope does Twilight give? Hope that some day girls all over the world will be kept under lock and key by a misogynistic, sparkly vampire who loves and wants to eat them?
I challenge you to read Twilight. Read all four books in the series. After you have done this email me back and then tell me that my views are wrong. Tell me that Bella is a good role model for little girls. At that time we'll have a little talk about how you shouldn't be allowed within sixty feet of public schools.
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