Name: Mary
Message: Dear Mr. Porter,
1. You're awesome, but heck, you already know that.
2. I am sorely dissapointed that you seemed to have discontinued blogging. If I am mistaken in this assumption and you happen to have another blog, I would be delighted if you would send me a link.
3. I sincerely hope that despite your homosexual inclinations, you are/will become a saved person so I can hang out with you in Heaven.
4. In closing, I abhor Twilight. On the other end of the spectrum, I adored Gothomo, and was quite upset with its indefinite hiatus. I look forward to whatever replaces it, so long as it remains as funny as its predecessor.
Mary, I think I need to create a new section of my website titled, "Questionable Fan Mail" because your email is both flattering and mildly homophobic. I sincerely hope that you're not actually this stupid and that you were trying to be funny. If you were trying to be funny, you're hilarious. If you were serious, I hate you.
In any case, I'm glad that you appreciate my review. I plan on revamping the website soon, and I have a few other projects in the making that should keep my fans entertained.
Name: Mike
Message: Sir I must say that I
completely agree with your opinions of Twilight. At
first I disliked it for its portrayal of vampires
and due to the fact that since it attracted mainly
girls and emo kids, I wrote it off as some literary
equivalent of a chick flick…that emos also enjoy. So
I judged a book by its cover and didn’t read it, and
that isn’t always what should be done, but I
digress. Your review opened my eyes to what Twilight
truly is and how Stephenie Meyer is basically a
horny teenage fan fiction writer.
Anyways, do you
really think the series could have been better if
the characters received some improvement? It still
would have probably been an affront to classical
vampire tales that have vampires as evil and in need
of destruction.
Moving on, and this question is
somewhat off topic, do you really think Americans
are that stupid? I mean, yes there are a lot of
stupid people in the United States, but I’m an
American and, while young, am fairly educated in my
opinion and that of my peers. I would hope that I’m
not as ignorant as the populations of other
countries think all Americans are, but I still have
much to learn. Anyways thank you for the humorous
and enlightening review.
I've never heard
someone refer to my writing as "Enlightening"
before. Holy shit, I'm BUDDHA!
You are right, Twilight has many more issues than underdeveloped and one-dimensional characters and I explicitly state the other issues in my review. There are a lot of things about Twilight that would have to change for it to become passable as good literature.
In any case, I don't quite understand how you got out of my review that I think Americans, specifically, are stupid. However, most Americans are very, very stupid. Are you aware of the fact that after George W. Bush spent four years in office totally fucking up our country he was voted back into office for another four years? THE MAJORITY OF VOTERS VOTED FOR A MAN WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE "NUCLEAR"!!! So tell me, do you think that American people are smart?
Name: "Anon"
Message: You win at life, have a free internetz. - Anon
There is some really fantastic irony involved in sending an anonymous message and having your IP tracked with it. Frankly, I was curious to find that the face of the "Internetz" resides in Surrey, UK near Camberley, latitude 51.3500, longitude -0.73333.
Name: Ryan Inulover
Message: Just have to say that
this is one of the best things I've ever seen.
You can't
have seen much then. I recommend you go visit a nude
beach. Thanks though.
Name: Tara
Message: I thank you for creating this website. I enjoyed lulzing in my apartment by myself. You rock!
Love,
twi-hard tara
From your signature, I'm assuming that you're a Twilight fan. I appreciate that you can take a joke at your own expense, if that is the case.
Name: Tracy
Message: Thank you for being as disturbed as I was about the twenty something year old six foot tall pedo that desperately wants to hold the infant... and yet everyone thinks it\'s ok. WHY THE HELL ARE PARENTS LETTING THEIR CHILDREN WORSHIP THIS MESS?
Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself that very question.
Name: Tez
Message: Just a quick note to say I enjoyed
your liturgy and you certainly have an amazing way
with words.
I hope that if my vampire novel ever hits the
stands, you like it.
I agree with all you wrote, I paid a fortune for the
twilight series and ended up with a story akin to
Goldilocks and the three bears.
Take Care,
Tez
I'm sensing some ass kissing in your email, but I appreciate it all the same.
If you want me to read your vampire novel I will gladly accept a copy for reviewing purposes
If your vampire
novel doesn't involve sparkles and gothtards it will
certainly be better than Twilight, in any case.
Name: Kim
Message: Sparkly Vampires contained much lulz. I thank you for that. Best 15 minutes of one particular night.
Moar please?
--
Your message is dripping in 4Chan references and it's making me constipated.
Name: Tyler
Message: Thank you so...so very much. My social network is crawling with these Twitards. They will soon get a link to your marvelous review.
And they will read it goddamnit...
You're very welcome. Spread the word.
Name: David Davidson
Message: I love you. Please
write more.
I love you,
too. Come over to my place later for some fun.
Name: William
Message: the question Recent polls have shown that a fifth of Americans can’t locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is?
your answer Because some people, namely US
Americans, are really, really stupid.
my answer they are twilight fans.
Sir Willie,
I'm afraid that I must now revise my answer to that question. My new answer is, "the guy who sent me an email with the subject, 'Your Awesome.'"
http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/misspelling/your.png
I appreciate your kind message but what part of reading my review made you think that I wouldn't be an unmitigated prick if you sent me a message with grammar issues?
However, I cannot argue with your "logic". Twilight fans are pretty dumb.
And so are you.
Name: Charlotte
Message: EPIC WIN!!! I didn't
want to bother with the books. I watched the first
half hour of the first film, but had to stop because
my brain was seeping out of my rectum. Your epic
review convinced me that I did the right thing,
giving me back the hours *I hadn't even spent*
reading the books, thus causing a warp in the
space-time continuum. Thank you.
Thanks, now I'm going to have nightmares about your liquified brain being shat out of your asshole.
Good going, jerk.
Oh, and thanks for the positive remarks.
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