There is almost nothing good about Texas. It's big, mostly populated by morons, and generally shits out the some of the worst celebrities, musicians, and politicians on the planet. This is the state that shat out  George Bush, Toby Keith, Renee Zellweger, Eva Longoria, Vanilla Ice, Gary Busey, Daniel Whitney (Larry the Cable Guy), Hilary Duff, Isaiah Washington, Bill Engvall, everybody else from "Redneck Comedy", Kenny Rogers, Matthew McConaughey….

I mean, Christ, McConaughey is from Texas. Do I need to keep on with this list? Texas excretes C-minus list celebrities.

Why Texas Sucks:

• There is a rampant over-use of the death penalty with a history that seems to indicate racism. Despite most violent crimes being committed by Caucasian men, 38.9% of death row offenders are Black, 30.6% are Hispanic, and 29.3% are Caucasian.

• Recently, the Texas Education Board tried to change the term, "the Slave Trade", to "the Atlantic triangular trade." Fortunately, the proposition didn't pass and students will continue to learn about "the trans-Atlantic slave trade."

• The KKK is very active in much of Texas, evidenced by the fact that they're quite outspoken, acting under the lazy pretense that it's a religious organization and not a group of pissed off hate mongers.

• Inter-racial marriage is still a social issue in Texas. Inter-racial marriage has even been described as "Caucasian genocide" by some radical groups.

• Did I mention that Texas is responsible for Matthew McConaughey?

• Texas SUCKS.

The Texas school system is ridiculous. I fear for children who will be learning the values of a politically biased, racist, homophobic, religiously repressed, historically abridged, and logically stunted education. Weak-minded bureaucrats are running Texas and they're passing on their illogic to future generations. It should be the right of all American citizens, no matter how old, to receive a well-balanced education free of any religious, political, or cultural bias.

• According to the Texas Education Board, a person must be dead to be taught about in History classes, thus resulting in wiping Dolores Huerta from the curriculum. This apparently has nothing to do with her being co-founder and First Vice President Emeritus of the United Farm Workers of America. Furthermore, Thomas Jefferson was proposed to be stricken from the curriculum and replaced with John Calvin due to Jefferson's atheism. John Calvin was great, but how can that justify wiping Thomas Jefferson from Texas education?

• In 2009 a significant number of University of North Texas students voted to ban same-sex couples from running for homecoming court. The motion didn't pass, but the fact that anybody is so ignorant as to ban a couple from engaging in any activity, regardless of gender, orientation, race, economic status, or culture, is disgusting.

• Texas barely even teaches US or World History. They don't teach about World War II, they teach about what was happening in Texas during World War II and this lacking in knowledge is showing.

• Texas is #49 in verbal SAT scores in the nation and #46 in average mathematics SAT scores.

• Only 68% of public school students in Texas graduate from high school. 

• Education in Texas SUCKS. Not everybody can afford higher education, especially with the cost of education growing exponentially in the last ten years, so excellent public K-12 education is imperative. Anything short of excellence is a disservice to American citizens and a flagrant waste of taxpayer dollars.

Now, if you're wildly screaming at your monitor, "I'm from Texas and I'm not a moron!", you're the reason for the word "almost" in the first sentence of this post. I am not making a blanket statement about all Texans. I know that it's the few crazies that makes everyone else look bad. I am talking about those people, the crazies. You know, those people who make me never want to visit Texas. Ever.

I live in Ohio, so I know a thing or two about living in places that suck.

As always, if you disagree with me, you're wrong.

Hey guys, I haven't been on in a while to post anything because I've been dealing with final exams. I'm fucking fantastic and passed everything.

I don't have much else to say but I do want to say this.

KESHA FUCKING SUCKS.

Her music is everywhere. I hear it on the radio, at the grocery, playing before movies, it's fucking everywhere and it's pissing me off.

Wanna ga ga gag on your co-co-cock? BLAH BLAH BLAH!

I am usually not a music critic because I can tend to understand why people like something if it's catchy or whatever, but Kesha is the musical equivalent of a puppy shitting on your couch while trying to play guitar. I guess it's sort of cute, but.. it just SHIT on your couch! Need I mention that it smells bad?

I refuse to spell her stage name with that goofy dollar sign because "$" doesn't equal "S". Never, ever. How much of a raging douchebag do you have to be to spell your name with symbols?

"Hi, my name is ¢@pta!n @w350m3". That's really stupid... so stupid. It's a whole new class of stupid. I think they call it "leet". Little fuckers.

Tik motherfucking Tok. This bitch doesn't even sing, she sing-talks. It's almost like rapping, if rapping had been invented by inebriated muppet babies. Seriously, who did Kesha orally service to get a record contract? I can't imagine that it would have been all that exciting considering that her lips are covered in glitter all the time. That shit doesn't come off. You think that crabs are nasty? Try getting rid of glitter. Not that I have much experience with pubic lice, but I think I'd rather get that than glitter.

There is no way that she got a record deal simply off of her musical talent because she doesn't have any.

She always looks hammered and ready to take a raw pounding from the DJ. Is that what she's going for? Because she looks like she's a lab experiment gone wrong, attempting to combine Street, Punk, Pop, and Slut all into one, sticky, dirty, glittery package. Well, I guess if that's what they were going for they succeeded...

I'm not singling Kesha out because I have some strange hatred for sparkly things, but this is just ridiculous. I can appreciate most pop music to a certain extent. This, however, us pure, unadulterated shit.

I could take it all in stride if the lyrics weren't so horrible. She writes them herself (surprise, surprise) and seems to be high during the writing process.

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Comin out your mouth with your blah blah blah
Zip your lips like a padlock
And meet me in the back with a jack and the jukebox
Don't really care where you live at
Just turn around boy, let me hit that
Don't be a little bitch with your chit chat
Just show me where your dick's at."

Aww, such a sweet little whore. Do you think it's in her record contract to act like a slut?

Have I ever mentioned that my least favorite writing device ever is rhyme? Rhyming pisses me off because nobody does it right.

Okay, I'm done. I think that I've made it clear how much I hate this Kesha girl and her whorish pop music.

Peace.

As always, if you disagree with me, you're wrong.

In my time as a literary critic I have learned a few things about poetry. You are lucky to have one such as I to offer up my abundant knowledge of the subject, form, and strict rules of writing a good poem. I have several rules that you must follow to be successful. First, always rhyme. What is a poem that doesn’t rhyme? It’s choppy prose. You shouldn’t hide your rhyme either, make it as blatantly obvious as possible. If you can’t think of anything to write I highly advise writing about writing. Writer’s block is an extremely interesting concept due to the fact that it’s so incredibly rare. Your struggles to find the right works to put down on the page are most intriguing and perhaps even warrant several poems. Do complain about the muses being fruitless in your poetic endeavor, and always remember to use buzz words such as “Soul”, “Heart”, and “Darkness”. But don’t be sad, nobody likes a sad poet. Everything must be happy, how else will you get your poem on a Hallmark greeting card? As with every form of writing the goal should always be to get published on folded cardstock with sentiments such as, “One year free of the big bad C!” That is sure to cheer up your cancer-surviving friends and bring a smile to their faces. If you’re unsure of what to write about, having already written about writers who are writing about writer’s block, it’s best to write about cats. Cats are God’s gift to those who love things that are cute and fluffy. Be sure to reference rainbows and gumdrops and ponies and unicorns and fluffy pink clouds, otherwise your poem might as well be just another scrap at the bottom of the rubbish bin. Make sure to refer to yourself as a poet as often as possible. All the better if you use “air quotes” to emphasize the word itself. It makes you seem credible, refined, and altogether poetic. Is your poetry poetic enough? If you write about love you have to make me cry. If I have not cried you are not doing your job right. Before writing any poem you must ask yourself if it will change the world. If you come up with a negative you’re just not trying hard enough. If you are currently writing a poem I highly recommend that you insert the word “Soul” somewhere into it immediately, if you have not done so already. The soul is such a unique and calming subject in poetry that to not use it would be nearly abusive to the concept of writing. Once you have finished writing about your soul and your cat, do fit in as much socio-economic political rhetoric as possible into the last five lines. Have you created an award winning poem yet? Remember to crack out your best metaphors and flash those pearly similes. Do not exclude anybody from your subject matter, because exclusion makes people sad and the only emotion welcome in poetry is happiness and love and butterflies and candy floss and grandma’s cinnamon rolls and angels and rainbows, in that order. All poems should include everybody. I think that I have given you a pretty thorough guide on how to write poetry that will please everybody, and your soul and your cat. Are you aware of the great power of parentheses? Have you centered your text? All poetry must be centered, otherwise how will people recognize it as poetry at all? Your poetry should be inspiring, it should save lives, make the sun shine brighter, bring a smile to the face of an orphaned child. Are you ready yet?

Can I tell you something in confidence? I fucking hate Twilight.

Recently, the American Library Association (ALA) released a list of the top 100 banned and/or challenged books dating from 2000 to 2009. On that list are some of my favorite books of all time. At the number one spot is the Harry Potter series of all things. Are you fucking kidding me? Harry Potter? God, somebody needs to shoot Laura Mallory in the face with a paintball gun until she agrees to stop suing people. Who the fuck is opposing Harry Potter? Besides Laura Mallory, I mean. If you don't know who that is, click here.

Harry Potter, a book that focuses on themes of love, friendship, good triumphing over evil, bravery, and loyalty, is being banned because the characters are wizards and witches? Oh my fucking God. Somebody needs to tell the religious fundamentalists who oppose Harry Potter that MAGIC ISN'T REAL. God, the people who have actually read Harry Potter know that. Harry Potter is a fantasy. Witchcraft is fantasy, magic is fantasy, and Harry Potter is a series that should never be banned because it's interesting enough to get kids to read.

I am most outraged at the fact that in the 21st century books are still being banned. Everybody has the basic human right to obtain knowledge, no matter how people perceive that knowledge. Whether obscene, profane, disgusting, non-religious, blasphemous, or just something that pisses off morons, banning a book is the wrong thing to do. If somebody doesn't want their children to read a book it is their job to keep it from them, not the job of government, libraries, or schools.

For the love of all that is good and sexy, somebody please tell me who is being legitimately protected by the banning of books. Are children being protected from becoming wizards? Atheists? Dissidents? Thoughtful human beings? No, because the kinds of people who would actually be that radically influenced by a work of fantastical fiction aren't the kinds of people who would be reading in the first place.

However, if a book ever deserved to be banned it's Twilight. That absolutely does not go to say that I advocate book banning in any way, but since book banning exists I cannot understand why a book series like Twilight didn't get banned by some schools.

I feel as though I'm beating a dead horse with this argument, but Twilight is a work of sexist bullshit. There is nothing remotely worthwhile to take away from reading the Twilight Saga. It horrifies me that an entire generation of girls are reading and enjoying this dreck. Twilight gives young, impressionable morons a very poor example of how relationships are supposed to be. People are not perfect, sexual obsession is not to be admired, stalking does not equate to love, jealousy is not cute, keeping a partner from seeing his or her friends is textbook spousal abuse, and there is nothing romantic about somebody watching you from the shadows while you sleep.

If you disagree with me, I hate you.

Haha, just kidding.

Not really.

I am starting a new segment that will feature one of my pet peeves every so often.

This is an amalgam of nearly four-hundred emails:

"Who do you think you are to question a published author such as Stephenie Meyer? Clearly she's good, she was published! You're just a wannabe writer."

As you can see, Twilight fantards aren’t particularly original.

There are three parts to this that absolutely piss me off. First, who am I to question Stephenie Meyer's writing style?

I am an individual who has good taste in literature. Yes, I understand that taste is subjective and very personal, but the horrible writing of the Twilight Saga is hard to deny when you put down all of its flaws on one page. Hell, one page isn’t enough. Personally, I needed several.

The biggest flaw in this question is that it assumes that an unpublished writer (though, technically, I am published in several places) is not allowed to voice an opinion about literature, film, television, etc. Oh wait, these people are fine with others voicing their opinions as long as those opinions match their own. Twilight fans are some of the most ignorant, moronic, narrow-minded human beings I have ever encountered in my twenty-one years on this green Earth. I am a huge supporter of free speech and I invite others to criticize me, tear my review apart if they so choose (though none have done a particularly good job of this), and insult me all they want. This gives me a right to mock them. In turn, they have a right to mock me back but, again, most are unsuccessful in this endeavor.

In short, I am someone to question Stephenie Meyer’s writing because I am a better writer than she is, whether published or otherwise and an avid reader who believes that bad writing must be shot down like a rabid squirrel invading the back yard of a trigger-happy redneck.

On to the second part of the email. “Clearly Stephenie Meyer is a good author! She got published and everything!”

I hate to compare Stephenie Meyer to Hitler again, but Hitler got Mein Kampf published and that’s the most rambling piece of shit literature on the face of the Earth. Just because a manuscript gets published does not mean that said manuscript is good in any way. Have you ever read ‘Eragon’? Holy hell, I have only literally thrown away a couple of books in my time and Eragon was one of them. Christopher Paolini’s first book is a book that should have been scrapped as Lord of the Rings, Dragon Riders of Pern, and Star Wars fan fiction long before it was published by Random House. Granted, he wrote the book when he was seventeen but that’s no excuse for publishing something.

My point is, just because something is published does not mean that it’s good. I have read plenty of horrible novels at the hands of my ex-oppressors (college English professors) and can tell you right now that publishers are some of the worst judges of literary talent on the Earth. Granted, agents and publishers occasionally find a fantastic writer but 99% of the time they find complete shit. A few sources that I checked have estimated that over 150,000 new books are published every year in the United States alone. (I believe that roughly half of those are written by Stephen King.) A fraction of a fraction of a fraction of the books published every year are actually worth reading, and with the high rate of self-publishing now present due to the inadequacies of the publishing companies it’s even harder to find a good novel.

I’ve digressed a little bit, but the main point here is that being published only means that one or two people cared enough about your manuscript to get it printed. Most often the publisher doesn’t even care about the content if they think that the content is profitable. Hence, Twilight. Twilight is profitable because it gets teenaged girls (and some creepy cougars) off. It wasn’t published because of quality or even because the publisher needed to meet a quota but because publishers are a business just like any other. Insinuating that only good books get published is rather like saying that only high quality foods are sold in grocery stores. Have you ever looked at the ingredients on a box of Fruit Loops? Yeah, freaky stuff.

Finally, on to the last part of the email. “You’re just a wannabe writer."

This is probably the dumbest part of the email in question. First of all, I am not a “wannabe”, I’m writing this very moment. Check out my syntax, check out my correct grammar! Look at my punctuation! Oh my god, I’m not a wannabe anymore, I’m doing it, I’m really doing it! I just used an exclamation point! I did it again! I wonder if I can use multiple exclamation points in a row? I can!!!!!!

Okay, point is, “wannabe” is a word that unintelligent and un-ambitious people invented to describe more motivated people whom they felt were doing something that they didn’t like. “Wannabe” is essentially a negative synonym for “aspiring”. I personally fail to see how wanting to be an author is negative in any way and why so many Twilight fans feel the need to apply such a title to me. Oh, I remember now! Uneducated individuals say really stupid shit when they’re backed into a corner.

Yes, I am not published under a large label but I am self published, syndicated, and I have my poetry published under a few smaller presses and in several literary magazines. I am by no means “aspiring”. I am doing what I love with or without a publisher.

Well folks, that is all for this installment of, “Things That Piss Me Off”. Stay tuned for my next rant, coming whenever the hell I feel like posting it.

So, in a landmark award ceremony that should always be taken seriously by critics, New Moon walked away with two awards from the 2010 Kid's Choice Awards; Favorite Movie Actor going to Taylor Lautner and Cutest Couple for Bella/Jacob.

This win for Taylor Lautner would be less funny if he hadn't been up against Zac Efron, Tyler Perry, and Shia LaBla... La... Beef? LaBeouf!

Really? That's the best they could come up with for best actor? Yeah, I get it, this was an award ceremony for kids to vote for their favorites, but when I was twelve I had more taste than this. Did they get lazy and pick these actors from the $5 DVD bin at WalMart? Goddamnit, I have no faith in the future generations. Yeah, I guess out of that list of actors, Taylor Lautner isn't bad. Hell, compared to Shia, Lautner is fine pickings for an Oscar, even, let alone a KCA.

Don't feel bad, Tyler, Shia, and Zac, you may have won too if you had man-cans quite as spectacular as Taylor's. Don't you just want to motorboat those?Hell yes, you do. I'm gay and even I want to stick my face into Lautner's luscious melons.

As for Bella and Jacob winning the cutest couple, it just goes to show that even kids know that Edward is an abusive douchebag. I do have to wonder though, when did fictional characters start winning awards? Does that even make sense? I don't get it, is the award for Stephenie Meyer's prowess to write characters that tweenies want to lust over or is the award actually fro the characters themselves? Well, in any case, Bella and Jacob won cutest couple over Neytiri and Jake (from Avatar), Bella and Edward, and Michelle and Barack Obama. The Obamas were in the running for this? Are you fucking kidding me? Who the hell sets up these awards? Jesus Christ. I don't... I don't even... I just give up.

I don't have much of an opinion on this win besides the fact that I'm baffled that it's even a category. I think that it's magical that Barack and Michelle Obama, two REAL people, lost to a fictional girl and the werewolf that she keeps cockteasing.

I didn't actually watch the ceremony but a few of my friends filled me in. I didn't miss anything worth watching.

Yo, check out this cast photo from the set of New Moon Sad Narrator.

From left to right:

Top: The Greek Personification of Constipation, Why-The-Long-Face, PrettyBoy, WTF- Lucian switched sides?, Grindewald.

Bottom: Emaciated Emo Kid, J.K. Rowling, Hot Topic Model, Desperate Mormon Housewife, and Kristen "HOLYSHITIHAVETOPEE" Stewart.

Stephenie Meyer's other abomination, Animorphs "the Host", is soon to be released in paperback. Given the quality of the writing, I'm actually somewhat surprised that it was released at all, let alone hardback. But hey, I'm not a publisher so who am I to question the asinine morons who approve this shit?

Seriously though, this book isn't actually that terrible. I briefly touch upon it in the main review of Twilight but I've been asked a few times what exactly about this book copies from K.A. Applegate's children's series "Animorphs".

Spoiler Alert

The Host is essentially about invading Aliens that inhabit human hosts, take over their brains and use the body as a vessel or avatar of a sort. This is exactly the general idea behind Animorphs. In Animorphs the invading aliens are called "yearks" and they inhabit humans by squeezing through the ear canal and into the brain, flattening itself out and controlling all functions this way. In The Host, the invading aliens, called "souls" that apparently look more like ethereal centipedes. Unlike yearks these aliens must be inserted surgically, which basically makes no sense whatsoever. How did the first alien get into a human to start the procedure on other humans? I haven't a clue because this plot failure is never addressed in the book.

Where Twilight is described as young adult the Host is labeled for adults. However, also like Twilight, the writing style is ten years younger than its target audience. As such, Stephenie Meyer's "adult novel" isn't a bad read for a thirteen year old.

The story follows Melanie Stryder who has been running from the aliens for some time. Apparently the aliens can tell if a human is unhosted? Well, Melanie is eventually caught, tries to kill herself, doesn't die and wakes up.. bum bum bum.. a host! Oh noes.

Unlike most humans, Melanie doesn't succumb to the alien's brainwashing powers and fights back. Some bullshit happens for four-hundred pages Melanie gets her body back, the inhabiting alien named Wanderer, who is supposed to be awesome and sexy and falls in love with a human, gets the body of some poor girl whose mind is already too roasted to be saved and all is magically well.

Thing is, this concept is straight out of Animorphs. Some yearks have the same problems with their hosts being too bold, too strong willed. The only difference is that the yearks are malevolent and the souls of The Host cure cancer, end war, and turn Earth into a paradise.

Where the difference comes in is that The Host is essentially a love triangle with two people in the same body. I was mildly intrigued by this concept but Meyer didn't execute it in a way that made me care much about the characters involved. Not for lack of trying, however. I went into reading this book with an open mind and was consistently denied anything from the plot line to make me like the characters.

Now, the biggest problem I have with this book is that it's blatantly plagiarized from K.A. Applegate, as I mentioned before. Somehow, Meyer has gotten away with it being the current braindead princess of YA Lit. There is nothing original here. Yeah, it's not a bad read but that's because the idea isn't hers. Sure, she can write well when she steals. Great author! All young writers should aspire to be like her. Plagiarism is just dandy and there are no consequences whatsoever. Remember that when you write your next Essay for class, kiddies!

Another thing that bothers me about The Host is that the storyline is essentially Twilight wrapped in a new dust jacket. Turn the vampires into Aliens, give Bella a different name, make Jacob a woman and we have the same basic idea of a love triangle, a main character who wants to change to suit the man she loves and a bunch of dead space in between to fill in for Stephenie Meyer's inability to write science fiction.

The book did show me that Meyer isn't a terrible writer. Admittedly, her writing is conversational and, with a team of editors, can be turned into the shiniest polished turd on the bookshelf. Yeah, she's not the worst author ever (I think that crown is claimed by Tara Gilesbie), she's just not talented enough to come up with an idea worth writing about so she has to steal concepts from better authors to make it look like she is.

That is all for "The Host". As always, I'm more than happy to answer any questions people have for me. I'll probably make fun of you but at least I do answer my emails.

If I've made you curious enough to read "The Host" for the love of god, get it from the library and avoid buying it.

Hey folks, a few of my fans have asked me to write more stuff so I figured I'd start a news/blog page. Sexy, right? Now I'm sure you have some questions.

“Who is this fine gentleman of whom I am reading a blog by which is written by him?” you find you asking yourself. I ask myself this every so often, indeed. I say to myself, “Hey, Self. Who are you? You’re such a fine gentleman!” I chuckle at my obvious greatness, “Well, Self, I am Captain Awesome, AKA Greg, asshole behind SparklyVampires.com and writer and co-artist of Gothomo.com, the best Web Comic about some homos named Allen and Ves this side of the internerds!” If I were to say such a thing to myself it would be true and not in the least bit conceited and also true… also it would be awesome.

“What will you be posting here, good sir?”
Well, I will be posting many things. Everything really, though I will generally be posting things that you won’t find interesting. Poetry, book reviews, movie reviews, discussions about Lady Gaga’s penis (or lack thereof). Most importantly, I will be writing a blog about to further explain my frustrations about the literary abortion that is 'Twilight'.

Okay, I’ll cut the shit and the mind-numbing poor grammar clumsily disguised as pontification.

I'm going to be posting shit here. I'm hilarious apparently, so bookmark it or something.