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Bella wants to
birth her spawn of Satan. Edward doesn’t want her to because
it will probably kill her. He’s caring like that and all.
Bella figures that Rosalie wants her dead anyway so Bella
gets Rosalie to protect the spawn of Satan, which breaks all
of Bella’s bones, lol. Jacob isn’t particularly happy about
he spawn either and suggests an abortion, to which Edward
agrees and offers up the idea that Jacob rapes Bella in an
attempt to get her to have an abortion, which is a plot
point that makes complete sense. I think that Meyer pulled
heavily from Lot and his daughters for this chapter. This
time, however, no bitches get turned into a pillar of salt
though the internal hemorrhaging did make Bella really horny
for blood.
Bella ended up
having the child, who she named Renesmee, which is possibly
the shittiest name for a child that has ever been dreamt up. It is,
of course, a mix of the names Renee and Esme, which are both
fine on their own. Bella could have named her spawn one or
the other but I guess she had to be unique and combine the
names into RENESMEE. FUCKING HELL. Does anybody noticed how
goddamn ridiculous that name is? And the really fucked up
part? You know that someone is going to name their poor,
poor daughter Renesmee. On the day that I meet the parents
who name their child Renesmee I will be kicking some ass. Okay, that's sort of a lie. I will, however, be verbally abusing that parent until they A. change their baby's name or B. jump off a cliff to get my voice out of their head.
Back to Renesmeedwellaliemmetaspelicearlieisleacob
herself. Jacob had once wanted to kill the baby but was
happy that he didn’t because now he wanted to give her a
good, hard dicking.
Edward turned
Bella into a vampire after eating her placenta and Bella
erupted into the coolest vampire ever.
In fact, Bella
was such a cool vampire that she didn’t even thirst for
human blood at all! She sort of considered eating her grandfather, Charlie,
for a split second but then realized that he smelled like
masturbation jelly and steak.
Bella’s baby,
Renesmee, was all happy and was like, “I WANT TO TOUCH YOUR
FACE” and did so and everybody loved her, though not quite
as much as Jacob who found that sexually fantasizing about a
half-breed infant vampire human baby spawn was totally fine
and not pedophilic in the least because he couldn’t help
himself. WHERE THE FUCK IS CHRIS HANSON?!
There is an extremely prominent theme of pedophilia in Breaking Dawn that was vaguely touched upon in the first three books. I sort of get how Edward being in love with Bella isn't creepy. His mind and body are forever seventeen, but Breaking Dawn brings the pedophilia to a blindingly obvious level that is impossible to miss. Creepy. So creepy.
Jacob couldn’t
take the conflict, however, and killed himself when Chris
Hanson arrived. It was all for naught, though, because
Renesmee touched Chris’ face and all was well.
That is, until
the Volturi got all pissed off about something.
There was some
sort of conflict with the vampire government but it evaporated when Renesmee touched
everybody’s face. The story ended all happy and
Renesmee will be fucking Jacob by the time she’s six.
As a whole, the Twilight Saga is simply abysmal. The story is the literary adaptation of a Mormon housewife's sex dreams. With that in mind, I kept picturing Stephenie Meyer as Bella in the books and all of the implied sex, sexual desire, etc, made me mildly uncomfortable. Meyer is clearly in love with her brainchild in a way that makes me want to vomit. The entirety of the saga can be summed up in one line. "Edward Cullen was so hot that I creamed my pants."
The
mother fucking end. The goddamned, mother fucking,
ass
shitting, goat sodomizing, pedobear sympathizing END.
Sparkly Vampires
by
Greg Porter
AKA
- Cpt. Awesome
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