|
 Okay, so, like, Bella got a new car. That car is like,
totally nice and big and indestructible,
which I guess means that if Bella wraps it
around a tree the window won’t break when
she hits it with her skull.
That’s all cool and Bella will soon marry Edward, which
will probably result in Bella becoming a
vampire. WTF, it took four book to get to
that point? Jesus Christ, I think we can
officially compare New Moon and Eclipse to
that part of the Bible that Pope Palpatine
had removed. Kind of interesting, but
utterly irrelevant due to the fact that
Jesus is actually a zombie… yeah, it’s kind
of like that.
Edward and Bella
have their ceremony, where Bella tells Jacob that she plans
to finally fuck Edward on their honeymoon, before the
vampire transformation which will probably result in vaginal
tearing, bruising, possibly the anti-christ fetus, but if
Bella were turned into a vampire before the sex, which is
logically how the story should have played out, she wouldn’t
have been able to get knocked up by Edward’s ancient SUPER
SPERM, which theoretically should be non-existent, or at
least dead, along with Edward’s ability to get a hard-on.
This sexy revelation really pisses off Jacob for some
reason. Not sure why. It might be because of the spawn of
Satan that could possibly erupt in Bella’s uterus. Bella was okay
with that because the sex was like, totally awesome, fo sho.
In a totally
unexpected turn of events, Bella ended up getting vaginal
tearing, bruising on most of her intimate bits and soon had
the anti-Christ growing in her fossilized womb.
Super, duper
sweet. And unexpected!
Did I mention
that the pregnancy lasts about seven days? Yeah, because
that’s what happens when a human female egg meets with a
dead, 100 year old vampire SUPER SPERM. Like, for serious.
Edward, who
totally knew that something like this would probably happen,
is super surprised.
And then the
story switches over to Jacob’s point of view for a good
chunk of the book, which makes absolutely no sense
whatsoever considering that Stephenie Meyer (who I just
realized has the initials SM, lulz) knows that most of her
fans hate Jacob and Meyer previously gave no air time to any
other character besides Bella.
During Jacob’s
time in the spot light he became possibly the most unlikable
character in the entire series, next to Bella. Where he was
the only source of intelligence and reason in the entire
series (Bella, he’s a fucking vampire who wants to eat you
and pay for your college. Also, HE’S 100 FUCKING YEARS OLD),
he became a whiney, angst filled emo werewolf.
The funny thing about this book is that most of Stephenie Meyer's own fans hated this book. No shit. HER OWN FANS HATED IT. Yeah. I have to say it again. This book is so shitty that even Twilight fans hated it. TWILIGHT FANS. If that isn't a sign that a book is terrible I don't know what is. This book is the reason why I created SparklyVampires.com. My dislike for Twilight transformed into a wretched, unadulterated hatred for the Saga, Stephenie Meyer and all of her fans after reading Breaking Dawn.
Page 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
 
|
