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So, Edward
travels to Italy where the evil vampire overlords, the
Volturi, live and eat over-marinated Italian people.
Edward gets all
emo, much like all of the fan girls who fantasize sucking
his marble penis, and decides to get the Volturi (who are
basically a bunch of vampire kids who look like the Olsen
Twins and those other twins who played in Big Daddy, before
one got fat). The Volturi value Edward’s ability to
masturbate in the dark to Bella’s sleeping form and refuse
to kill him, but Edward decides that being all sparkly in
front of a bunch of emaciated Italians will do the job.
Death by being sparkly condensat-ie seems a
good way to go. Not gay at all. Fuck, it sounds like a
firebombing of a gay night club.
Blah blah,
fuckity, blah. You know, this whole thing would be more
interesting if Bella were played by Ellen Page in the character of Juno. At least
then the book would be witty instead of downright depressing
and infuriating. Sure, Ellen Page plays a character that is
witty for the sake of being witty, but if you think that
bothers me than you probably haven’t been reading this
“review”. Not that I wish to subject Ellen Page to the
travesty that is Twilight, but you have to admit that Ellen
Page being eaten from the inside out by a killer fetus thing
would be really, really funny. Jesus Christ, if Michael Cera
played Edward than it would be the best writing on the
planet… next to My Immortal. I don’t think Michael Cera
could be nearly as discreet as Robert Pattinson about the
whole masturbating in the shadows thing though…
Oh yeah, so…
Bella stops Edward from committing suicide by sparkling condensating all over the place and they
go back to Forks, Washington and the book ends with the
Volturi being really interested in Bella being turned into a
vampire. It’s less that they want her to be a vampire and
more for the lulz.
Here's the odd thing about New Moon. In the simplest terms it can be classified as a teenage girl's ultimate decision between beastiality and necrophilia.
To read my separate review of the New Moon Movie click here.
Hmm.. Eclipse.
Yeah, this book was almost completely irrelevant in the
series. I think Bella finishes High School, solidifies her
future with Edward…  again… and prepares to have her vagina
ravaged in Breaking Dawn. There really isn't much to say about Eclipse because it didn't progress the story forward at all. It's still the same old shitty Twilight that we've come to know and despise. Some vampire bitch is trying to kill Bella, Bella kisses Jacob and realizes that she's also in love with him (fucking whore, right?), Bella applies to college, plans her marriage with Edward, is reluctant of said marriage because she's a fickle twat, and she breaks Jacobs heart after making the final decision to become a vampire. Really, nothing of importance happened. The entirety of Eclipse could have been covered in two chapters at the beginning of Breaking Dawn. Which brings us to the fourth book in the series...
From here on
the review will get much dumber because I
need to match my intellect to the source
material.
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