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Where Twilight
was somewhat passable as interesting New Moon is most
certainly… not. Bella sulks in despair for roughly 300
pages, successfully turning me into a zombie bent on cutting
myself up and down (not across, we need to hit all of the
tendons, kiddies!)
 So, after
Edward’s sort of insane, less sexy, misunderstood, blood
thirsty brother Nazi (Vampire Nazi… zomg) Jasper tries to
eat Bella’s face off Edward then realizes that his love for
her might be kind of unsafe. NO SHIT. YOU’RE A
GODDAMN VAMPIRE! YOU WANT TO MURDER HER AND DRINK HER BODILY
FLUIDS FOR SUSTENANCE. JESUS H. CHRIST. So, Edward leaves
Bella. She gets all sad, hence the title of the book New Moon Sad Narrator.
After page one-hundred
of Bella hating life and considering driving off a cliff on
her motorcycle (which sexy, literally hot in degrees
Werewolf rebuilds for her but later bitches at her for
riding)… where was I going with that? Back a bit. Bella
jumped off a cliff. Yeah. Sweet. If that were the end to the
series my life would be so much better off right now… anywho…
Bella finds
solace in her friend Jacob, who is absolutely not weird in
the least, besides the fact that his Native American father
seems to know that Edward and his family are blood thirsty
vampires and have some sort of history or something with the
Cullens that results in a really uncomfortable silence at,
oh, every fifty pages of the book. AHHHHH. But just when
Bella is only sort of suicidal, Jacob gets all angsty and
starts orally pleasuring some guy named Sam. Due to this
newfound homosexual attraction to some other sexy, literally
hot (in degrees) Werewolf guy Jacob starts to ignore
Bella and goes off trying to find some hot baby to Imprint
upon.
Did I not yet
mention that Stephenie Meyer is really good friends with
Pedobear?
Bella hates
life. Edward has left her! Where is her sparkly condensat-ie vampire boyfriend now?! Oh, he’s still watching
her from the dark, masturbating in silence. So, Bella jumps
off a cliff into turbulent waves! So fucking awesome. She
almost drowned you know, but sexy, literally hot (in
degrees) Werewolf saved her at the last moment. That’s when
she realizes that sexy, literally hot (in degrees) Werewolf
Jacob isn’t quite right. He’s a werewolf! As though Meyer
hadn’t beating the fucking shit out of the concept before
delivering to Bella in the simplest of terms. (”Lol, and
like, I realized that Jacob was a werewolf!”).
But really, that’s okay. At least she can
keep denying him sex over and over, which
inevitably turns Jacob into a really hairy
Hulk with a massive penis, though that
doesn’t interest Bella, she needs her hard,
cold marble penis that shoots out 100 year
old super sperm. Oh, sorry, that doesn’t
happen in this book.
When Bella inadvertently tried to commit suicide by
jumping off a cliff, which just looked
totally fun and such, Alice (Edward’s sister
thing that has the personality of Tinker
Bell on meth who, as a side effect of the
meth, can see the future and saw Bella
killing herself) comes to see what happened
to Bella. By this point, however, Edward’s
completely unlikable sister thing Rosalie
who has the power of being a super-cunt told
Edward that Bella killed herself (which was
totally unpredictable, especially with
Bella’s rock-solid psyche) Edward wants to
die too! It’s cute, kind of like Romeo And
Juliet but much more retarded and less
bloody, which is kind of ironic, considering
the whole vampire thing).
Bear with me
here, it gets better.
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