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Twilight plays
out like a poorly planned fan fiction, written by a young woman in her first
year of junior college with a focus in English. Not quite
refined, still pretty naïve and lacking in a full
understanding of English and given subject matter
(vampires). Taking Twilight as it is makes it much more
enjoyable. Twilight is stupid. There is no rhyme or reason to it and it takes itself far too seriously. I love that about it. I enjoy watching Twilight movies for the same reason why I enjoy watching white trash on Jerry Springer yell at eachother about baby mamas, paternity tests and... crabs. It's funny to watch something so stupid, so unadulteratedly idiotic, take itself as seriously as Twilight does.
I like the
simplest idea of Twilight but my dislike for the series can be narrowed down to four main issues.
1.) Vampires do not
(do not Not NOT NOT NOT!!) sparkle in the sunlight. They DIE in the sunlight. It makes
them edgy, dark and makes them VAMPIRES. What the hell is a
vampire that doesn’t burn to ash in the sunlight? It’s an
emo kid… An emo kid who shops at Hot Topic, dresses like
Edward Scissorhands (which is cool, but can only be pulled off by Johnny Depp) and drinks clamato juice, pretending that it's blood.
Then, I finally
understood. Okay, so, Edward is cold. Somehow, colder than
room temperature which totally defies physics, but whatever.
Edward is sparkling because of condensation! It all makes
sense now! Edward isn't a sparkly vampire, he's a
condensating vampire! Right? RIGHT? Yeah, I'm going to stick with that sentiment throughout the rest of this review.
2.) Vampires drink human blood. Not gazelle blood. HUMAN blood.
That’s just gay. Really fucking gay. (If you oppose my use of the word "gay", please view my explanation here.) It would be much more
interesting if the entire Cullen family just drank the shit
out of human blood but were all too enticed by Bella to want
her dead. Instead, they make her a vampire and let Edward
fuck her all night long. Awesome, right? That, however, brings me to one of my biggest problems with the series as a whole.
3.) Meyer is overly conservative in her view of virginity in this novel. Bella desperately wants to jump on Edward's disco stick throughout the entire saga and Edward controls her, refuses to have sex with her and essentially cock blocks himself until they're married. I'm not so much annoyed with the issue of virginity itself but the fact that Edward controls every part of Bella's life by the end of the saga. He is a classic example of an abusive, domineering, jealous boyfriend. This, however, is all viewed as him caring for her and loving her. Yeah, that should hold up in court.
4.) The vast majority of Meyer’s characters are one
dimensional, unintelligent bitches with almost nothing to
make them interesting. Some of her characters have promise,
mind you, but few have any semblance of personality that is
touched upon in the books. Almost all of the dialogue in the books is interchangeable. There is never any personality established beyond how a character should obviously react to a situation. Bella, the narrator, is the worst character in the entire saga. She has no personality, no ambitions aside from her love for Edward, she's plain, mildly unintelligent, sheepish and, worst of all, she's boring. Simply boring. Her character is a mass collective of every average, plain, hormone-ridden high school girl on Earth, and nobody wants to read a book about that. The book's interest is contingent upon every character BUT Bella. That's just poor writing.
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