SparklyVampires.com | A Review of Twilight

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Sparkly Vampires

A Scathing Review of Twilight

The Original Cover and Title of "Twilight"

for teh lulz

     If I said that I didn’t enjoy the Twilight Saga I would be lying. I read all four books, saw the movie and I even read the “Outtakes” on Stephenie Mayer’s website. Please, don’t kill me yet. I must explain before I am crucified like Tupac, Jesus, Santa Claus and all of the other fairy tale creatures with good messages about love, kindness and the pursuit of mad bitches.
     Ah, I digress. Twilight fucking sucks. Hardcore, epic suckiness. The writing is terrible, hackneyed and totally fucks with every depiction of vampires that has ever been dreamed up by better writers than Stephenie Meyer.
     There’s a reason why Twilight has a following. It’s because the majority of Meyers fans don’t quite have a grasp of the English language, specifically punctuation. For example: “Lolz im so ecited for new moon,,, Jacob looks so tasty!!!11!!!”. That comment is by Ashiza on TwilightSource.com. Ashiza later added, “Oh em gee i lyk ttly still tuink Edward is hottttt.”
     That’s “hot” with five T’s… Eloquent.
     Stephenie Meyer is perhaps the worst thing to happen to literature ever, though she certainly understands what makes a young woman’s (or young homosexual man’s) heart drip with estrogen (and/or testosterone… or something equally drippy) which is perhaps the only reason why the saga has such a strong following. Without sexy immortal men what do you have? A poorly written vampire novel that would soon be found on the discount shelf at Barnes and Noble.

     I wish that Meyer had told me her idea and asked me to write it instead. Not that I’m the best writer on Earth but I do have something on Meyer: I’m not completely retarded. I’m not a Mormon mother with a shelf full of unmemorable harlequin romance. I have taste. I could make Twilight brilliant. Think of my version of Twilight like something of a mix between Stoker and Rice with big throbbing cocks. Delicious .
     Twilight plays out like a fan fiction written by a young woman in her first year of junior college with a focus in English. Not quite refined, still pretty naļve and lacking in a full understanding of English and given subject matter (vampires). Taking Twilight as it is makes it much more enjoyable. Twilight is stupid. I love that about it.
     I like the simplest idea of Twilight but there are certainly some things I would change. Firstly, vampires do not fucking sparkle in the sunlight. They DIE in the sunlight. It makes them edgy, dark and makes them VAMPIRES. What the fuck is a vampire that doesn’t burn to ash in the sunlight? It’s an emo kid… An emo kid who shops at Hot Topic and dresses like Johnny Depp, but with notably fruitier eyeliner.
     Then, I finally understood. Okay, so, Edward is cold. Somehow, colder than room temperature which totally defies physics, but whatever. Edward is sparkling because of condensation! It all makes sense now! Edward isn't a sparkly vampire, he's a condensating vampire!
     Secondly, vampires drink human blood. Not gazelle blood. HUMAN blood. That’s just gay. Really fucking gay. It would be much more interesting if the entire Cullen family just drank the shit out of human blood but were all too enticed by Bella to want her dead. Instead, they make her a vampire and let Edward fuck her all night long.
     Thirdly… that would only work if Bella were an interesting protagonist who didn’t orgasm all over the place every time Edward touched her in the least sexual of places. “OMG, you’re holding my hair back, SPOOOGE!”

     Fourthly, ( and of course there’s a fourth, because every good list ends with four) the vast majority of Meyer’s characters are one dimensional, unintelligent bitches with almost nothing to make them interesting. Some of her characters have promise, mind you, but few have any semblance of personality that is touched upon in the books.
     Edward is dark, brooding and wholly uninteresting. His internal conflict (oh noes, I’m a sparkly monster) just comes off as whiney. I can’t say that I blame Meyer for casting him in this light because that’s exactly how most authors would depict him, but that in and of itself is a problem. He’s not interesting and he comes off as something of a stereotypical self-hating vampire, with the exception that he’s way more gay.
     Esme is a house mom who happens to be a vampire. Okay, who gives a flying fuck? Her character comes off as more annoying than a den-mother. There’s essentially no reason for her to be considered the mother of the Cullen “Children” besides the fact that she’s having hot, vampire sex with the man who “saved” the rest of the Cullen Family.

     Rosalie is a complete fucking twat and there’s no real explanation for her character. She exists as the bitchy sister who points out the obvious at every turn. “Oh, if we’re discovered then we’ll have to leave!” Oh, no fucking shit, Sherlock.
     If Bella weren’t the most obvious depiction of a helpless little Mary Sue then Twilight may have been salvageable. However, Bella is a dry, uninteresting character. In fact, the entire Twilight saga would have been better off it told through Edwards point of view. If you haven’t read the leaked half-manuscript of “Midnight Sun” then I suggest you do. Though the writing still comes off as though written by a sixteen year old Ugly Betty fan it has MUCH more potential to be a fantastic book than Twilight ever had. Edward is interesting, he has conflict, justified self-hatred, a background and a level of angst that could be used so well if Meyer hadn’t chickened out, leaked the manuscript herself and pretended to be butthurt by it so she didn’t have to write witty inner monologue any longer.
     Perhaps the only interesting character in the entire Twilight Saga is Alice and even she is annoying as hell. How goddamn convenient it is to have a character who can see the future and warn everyone before any negative plotline befalls them?

Before I continue on to everything else that is horribly wrong with the rest of the Twilight Saga how about I recap? Bella is boring. Edward is hot and ~~sparkly~~ condensat-ie. Twilight fan girls are the most retarded, socially inept creatures on the face of the planet and Stephenie Meyer may be single-handedly and inadvertently bringing upon the apocalypse. You know, because Jesus hates Twilight a lot and such. Rinse, lather, repeat. Got it.

     Where Twilight was somewhat passable as interesting New Moon is most certainly… not. Bella sulks in despair for roughly 300 pages, successfully turning me into a zombie bent on cutting myself up and down (not across, we need to hit all of the tendons, kiddies!)
     So, after Edward’s sort of insane, less sexy, misunderstood, blood thirsty brother Nazi (Vampire Nazi… zomg) Jasper tries to eat Bella’s face off Edward then realizes that his love for her might be kind of unsafe. NO FUCKING SHIT. YOU’RE A GODDAMN VAMPIRE! YOU WANT TO MURDER HER AND DRINK HER BODILY FLUIDS FOR SUSTENANCE. JESUS H. CHRIST. So, Edward leaves Bella. She gets all sad and shit.
     After page 100 of Bella hating life and considering driving off a cliff on her motorcycle (which sexy, literally hot in degrees Werewolf rebuilds for her but later bitches at her for riding)… where was I going with that? Back a bit. Bella jumped off a cliff. Yeah. Sweet. If that were the end to the series my life would be so much better off right now… anywho…

     Bella finds solace in her friend Jacob, who is absolutely not weird in the least, besides the fact that his Native American father seems to know that Edward and his family are blood thirsty vampires and have some sort of history or something with the Cullens that results in a really uncomfortable silence at, oh, every fifty pages of the book. AHHHHH. But just when Bella is only sort of suicidal, Jacob gets all angsty and starts orally pleasuring some guy named Sam. Due to this newfound homosexual attraction to some other sexy, literally hot (in degrees) Werewolf*16 guy Jacob starts to ignore Bella and goes off trying to find some hot baby to Imprint upon.
     Did I not yet mention that Stephenie Meyer is really good friends with Pedobear?
     Bella hates life. Edward has left her! Where is her ~~sparkly~~ condensat-ie vampire boyfriend now?! Oh, he’s still watching her from the dark, masturbating in silence. So, Bella jumps off a cliff into turbulent waves! So fucking awesome. She almost drowned you know, but sexy, literally hot (in degrees) Werewolf saved her at the last moment. That’s when she realizes that sexy, literally hot (in degrees) Werewolf Jacob isn’t quite right. He’s a werewolf! As though Meyer hadn’t beating the fucking shit out of the concept before delivering to Bella in the simplest of terms. (”Lol, and like, I realized that Jacob was a werewolf!”)

But really, that’s okay. At least she can keep denying him sex over and over, which inevitably turns Jacob into a really hairy Hulk with a massive penis, though that doesn’t interest Bella, she needs her hard, cold marble penis that shoots out 100 year old super sperm. Oh, sorry, that doesn’t happen in this book.
When Bella inadvertently tried to commit suicide by jumping off a cliff, which just looked totally fun and such, Alice (Edward’s sister thing that has the personality of Tinker Bell on meth who, as a side effect of the meth, can see the future and saw Bella killing herself) comes to see what happened to Bella. By this point, however, Edward’s completely unlikable sister thing Rosalie who has the power of being a super-cunt told Edward that Bella killed herself (which was totally unpredictable, especially with Bella’s rock-solid psyche) Edward wants to die too! It’s cute, kind of like Romeo And Juliet but much more retarded and less bloody, which is kind of ironic, considering the whole vampire thing).

     Bear with me here, it gets better.
     So, Edward travels to Italy where the evil vampire overlords, the Volturi, live and eat over-marinated Italian people.
     Edward gets all emo, much like all of the fan girls who fantasize sucking his marble penis, and decides to get the Volturi (who are basically a bunch of vampire kids who look like the Olsen Twins and those other twins who played in Big Daddy, before one got fat). The Volturi value Edward’s ability to masturbate in the dark to Bella’s sleeping form and refuse to kill him, but Edward decides that being all sparkly in front of a bunch of emaciated Italians will do the job. Death by being ~~sparkly~~ condensat-ie seems a good way to go. Not gay at all. Fuck, it sounds like a firebombing of a gay night club.

     Blah blah, fuckity, blah. You know, this whole thing would be more interesting if Bella were played by Ellen Page. At least then the book would be witty instead of downright depressing and infuriating. Sure, Ellen Page plays a character that is witty for the sake of being witty, but if you think that bothers me than you probably haven’t been reading this “review”. Not that I wish to subject Ellen Page to the travesty that is Twilight, but you have to admit that Ellen Page being eaten from the inside out by a killer fetus thing would be really, really funny. Jesus Christ, if Michael Cera played Edward than it would be the best writing on the planet… next to My Immortal. I don’t think Michael Cera could be nearly as discreet as Robert Pattinson about the whole masturbating in the shadows thing though…
     Oh yeah, so… Bella stops Edward from committing suicide by ~~sparkling~~ condensating all over the place and they go back to Forks, Washington and the book ends with the Volturi being really interested in Bella being turned into a vampire. It’s less that they want her to be a vampire and more for the lulz.
     Hmm.. Eclipse. Yeah, this book was almost completely irrelevant in the series. I think Bella finishes High School, solidifies her future with Edward… again… and prepares to have her vagina ravaged in Breaking Dawn.

     Cool, now on to Breaking Dawn. From here on the review will get much dumber because I need to match my intellect to the source material.
     Okay, so, like, Bella got a new car. Huzzah for stupid shit that doesn’t matter. That car is like, totally nice and big and indestructible, which I guess means that if Bella wraps it around a tree the window won’t break when she hits it with her skull.
     That’s all cool and Bella will soon marry Edward, which will probably result in Bella becoming a vampire. WTF, it took four book to get to that point? Jesus Christ, I think we can officially compare New Moon and Eclipse to that part of the Bible that Pope Palpatine had removed. Kind of interesting, but utterly irrelevant due to the fact that Jesus is actually a zombie… yeah, it’s kind of like that.
     Edward and Bella have their ceremony, where Bella tells Jacob that she plans to finally fuck Edward on their honeymoon, before the vampire transformation which will probably result in vaginal tearing, bruising, possibly the anti-christ fetus, but if Bella were turned into a vampire before the sex, which is logically how the story should have played out, she wouldn’t have been able to get knocked up by Edward’s ancient SUPER SPERM, which theoretically should be non-existent, or at least dead, along with Edward’s ability to get a hard-on.

Shane Dawson depicts Edward drinking Bella's period blood

Bella's Vagina

    This sexy revelation really pisses off Jacob for some reason. Not sure why. It might be because of the spawn of Satan that could possibly erupt in Bella’s uterus.     Bella was okay with that because the sex was like, totally awesome, fo sho.
     In a totally unexpected turn of events, Bella ended up getting vaginal tearing, bruising on most of her intimate bits and soon had the anti-Christ growing in her fossilized womb.
     Super, duper sweet. And unexpected!
     Did I mention that the pregnancy lasts about seven days? Yeah, because that’s what happens when a human female egg meets with a dead, 100 year old vampire SUPER SPERM. Like, for serious.

     Edward, who totally knew that something like this would probably happen, is super surprised.
     And then the story switches over to Jacob’s point of view for a good chunk of the book, which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever considering that Stephenie Meyer (who I just realized has the initials SM, lulz) knows that most of her fans hate Jacob and Meyer previously gave no air time to any other character besides Bella.
     During Jacob’s time in the spot light he became possibly the most unlikable character in the entire series, next to Bella. Where he was the only source of intelligence and reason in the entire series (Bella, he’s a fucking vampire who wants to eat you and pay for your college. Also, HE’S 100 FUCKING YEARS OLD), he became a whiney, angst filled emo werewolf.

Bella wants to birth her spawn of Satan. Edward doesn’t want her to because it will probably kill her. He’s caring like that and all. Bella figures that Rosalie wants her dead anyway so Bella gets Rosalie to protect the spawn of Satan, which breaks all of Bella’s bones, lol. Jacob isn’t particularly happy about he spawn either and suggests an abortion, to which Edward agrees and offers up the idea that Jacob rapes Bella in an attempt to get her to have an abortion, which is a plot point that makes complete sense. I think that Meyer pulled heavily from Lot and his daughters for this chapter. This time, however, no bitches get turned into a pillar of salt though the internal hemorrhaging did make Bella really horny for blood.

     Bella ended up having the child, who she named Renesmee, which is possibly the most retarded name that has ever been invented. It is, of course, a mix of the names Renee and Esme, which are both fine on their own. Bella could have named her spawn one or the other but I guess she had to be unique and combine the names into RENESMEE. FUCKING HELL. Does anybody noticed how goddamn ridiculous that name is? And the really fucked up part? You know that someone is going to name their poor, poor daughter Renesmee. On the day that I meet the parents who name their child Renesmee I will be kicking some ass.
     Back to Renesmee herself. Jacob had once wanted to kill the baby but was happy that he didn’t because now he wanted to give her a good, hard dicking.
     Edward turned Bella into a vampire after eating her placenta and Bella erupted into the coolest vampire ever.
     In fact, Bella was such a cool vampire that she didn’t even thirst for human blood at all! She sort of considered eating her dad for a split second but then realized that he smelled like masturbation jelly and steak.
     Bella’s baby, Renesmee, was all happy and was like, “I WANT TO TOUCH YOUR FACE” and did so and everybody loved her, though not quite as much as Jacob who found that sexually fantasizing about a half-breed infant vampire human baby spawn was totally fine and not pedophilic in the least because he couldn’t help himself. WHERE THE FUCK IS CHRIS HANSON?!

     Jacob couldn’t take the conflict, however, and killed himself when Chris Hanson arrived. It was all for naught, though, because Renesmee touched Chris’ face and all was well.
     That is, until the Volturi got all pissed off about something.
     There was some sort of conflict but it evaporated when Renesmee touched everybody’s face. The story ended all happy and such and Renesmee will be fucking Jacob by the time she’s six.
     The end. The mother fucking end. The god damn, mother fucking, ass shitting, goat sodomizing, pedobear sympathizing END.

Please don't sue me...

For the record, this review is not bigoted in any way. I have a friend who's a gay vampire and he said that it's okay.