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WARNING: The following content is easily construed as
"offensive".
Sparkly
Vampires
A Scathing
Review of Twilight
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The Original Cover and
Title of "Twilight"
for teh lulz |
If I said that I
didn’t enjoy the Twilight Saga I would be lying. I read all
four books, saw the movie and I even read the “Outtakes” on
Stephenie Mayer’s website. Please, don’t kill me yet. I must
explain before I am crucified like Tupac, Jesus, Santa Claus
and all of the other fairy tale creatures with good messages
about love, kindness and the pursuit of mad bitches.
Ah, I digress.
Twilight fucking sucks. Hardcore, epic suckiness. The
writing is terrible, hackneyed and totally fucks with every
depiction of vampires that has ever been dreamed up by
better writers than Stephenie Meyer.
There’s a reason
why Twilight has a following. It’s because the majority of
Meyers fans don’t quite have a grasp of the English
language, specifically punctuation. For example: “Lolz im so
ecited for new moon,,, Jacob looks so tasty!!!11!!!”. That
comment is by Ashiza on TwilightSource.com. Ashiza later
added, “Oh em gee i lyk ttly still tuink Edward is hottttt.”
That’s “hot” with five T’s… Eloquent.
Stephenie Meyer
is perhaps the worst thing to happen to literature ever,
though she certainly understands what makes a young woman’s
(or young homosexual man’s) heart drip with estrogen (and/or
testosterone… or something equally drippy) which is perhaps
the only reason why the saga has such a strong following.
Without sexy immortal men what do you have? A poorly written
vampire novel that would soon be found on the discount shelf
at Barnes and Noble. |
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I wish that
Meyer had told me her idea and asked me to write it instead.
Not that I’m the best writer on Earth but I do have
something on Meyer: I’m not completely retarded. I’m not a
Mormon mother with a shelf full of unmemorable harlequin
romance. I have taste. I could make Twilight brilliant.
Think of my version of Twilight like something of a mix
between Stoker and Rice with big throbbing cocks. Delicious
.
Twilight plays
out like a fan fiction written by a young woman in her first
year of junior college with a focus in English. Not quite
refined, still pretty naïve and lacking in a full
understanding of English and given subject matter
(vampires). Taking Twilight as it is makes it much more
enjoyable. Twilight is stupid. I love that about it.
I like the
simplest idea of Twilight but there are certainly some
things I would change. Firstly, vampires do not fucking
sparkle in the sunlight. They DIE in the sunlight. It makes
them edgy, dark and makes them VAMPIRES. What the fuck is a
vampire that doesn’t burn to ash in the sunlight? It’s an
emo kid… An emo kid who shops at Hot Topic and dresses like
Johnny Depp, but with notably fruitier eyeliner.
Then, I finally
understood. Okay, so, Edward is cold. Somehow, colder than
room temperature which totally defies physics, but whatever.
Edward is sparkling because of condensation! It all makes
sense now! Edward isn't a sparkly vampire, he's a
condensating vampire!
Secondly,
vampires drink human blood. Not gazelle blood. HUMAN blood.
That’s just gay. Really fucking gay. It would be much more
interesting if the entire Cullen family just drank the shit
out of human blood but were all too enticed by Bella to want
her dead. Instead, they make her a vampire and let Edward
fuck her all night long.
Thirdly… that
would only work if Bella were an interesting protagonist who
didn’t orgasm all over the place every time Edward touched
her in the least sexual of places. “OMG, you’re holding my
hair back, SPOOOGE!” |
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Fourthly, ( and
of course there’s a fourth, because every good list ends
with four) the vast majority of Meyer’s characters are one
dimensional, unintelligent bitches with almost nothing to
make them interesting. Some of her characters have promise,
mind you, but few have any semblance of personality that is
touched upon in the books.
Edward is dark,
brooding and wholly uninteresting. His internal conflict (oh
noes, I’m a sparkly monster) just comes off as whiney. I
can’t say that I blame Meyer for casting him in this light
because that’s exactly how most authors would depict him,
but that in and of itself is a problem. He’s not interesting
and he comes off as something of a stereotypical self-hating
vampire, with the exception that he’s way more gay.
Esme is a house
mom who happens to be a vampire. Okay, who gives a flying
fuck? Her character comes off as more annoying than a
den-mother. There’s essentially no reason for her to be
considered the mother of the Cullen “Children” besides the
fact that she’s having hot, vampire sex with the man who
“saved” the rest of the Cullen Family. |
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Rosalie is a
complete fucking twat and there’s no real explanation for
her character. She exists as the bitchy sister who points
out the obvious at every turn. “Oh, if we’re discovered then
we’ll have to leave!” Oh, no fucking shit, Sherlock.
If Bella weren’t
the most obvious depiction of a helpless little Mary Sue
then Twilight may have been salvageable. However, Bella is a
dry, uninteresting character. In fact, the entire Twilight
saga would have been better off it told through Edwards
point of view. If you haven’t read the leaked
half-manuscript of “Midnight Sun” then I suggest you do.
Though the writing still comes off as though written by a
sixteen year old Ugly Betty fan it has MUCH more potential
to be a fantastic book than Twilight ever had. Edward is
interesting, he has conflict, justified self-hatred, a
background and a level of angst that could be used so well
if Meyer hadn’t chickened out, leaked the manuscript herself
and pretended to be butthurt by it so she didn’t have to
write witty inner monologue any longer.
Perhaps the only
interesting character in the entire Twilight Saga is Alice
and even she is annoying as hell. How goddamn convenient it
is to have a character who can see the future and warn
everyone before any negative plotline befalls them? |
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Before I continue on to everything else that is horribly
wrong with the rest of the Twilight Saga how about I recap?
Bella is boring. Edward is hot and sparkly
condensat-ie. Twilight fan girls are the most retarded,
socially inept creatures on the face of the planet and
Stephenie Meyer may be single-handedly and inadvertently
bringing upon the apocalypse. You know, because Jesus hates
Twilight a lot and such. Rinse, lather, repeat. Got it.
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Where Twilight
was somewhat passable as interesting New Moon is most
certainly… not. Bella sulks in despair for roughly 300
pages, successfully turning me into a zombie bent on cutting
myself up and down (not across, we need to hit all of the
tendons, kiddies!)
So, after
Edward’s sort of insane, less sexy, misunderstood, blood
thirsty brother Nazi (Vampire Nazi… zomg) Jasper tries to
eat Bella’s face off Edward then realizes that his love for
her might be kind of unsafe. NO FUCKING SHIT. YOU’RE A
GODDAMN VAMPIRE! YOU WANT TO MURDER HER AND DRINK HER BODILY
FLUIDS FOR SUSTENANCE. JESUS H. CHRIST. So, Edward leaves
Bella. She gets all sad and shit.
After page 100
of Bella hating life and considering driving off a cliff on
her motorcycle (which sexy, literally hot in degrees
Werewolf rebuilds for her but later bitches at her for
riding)… where was I going with that? Back a bit. Bella
jumped off a cliff. Yeah. Sweet. If that were the end to the
series my life would be so much better off right now… anywho…
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Bella finds
solace in her friend Jacob, who is absolutely not weird in
the least, besides the fact that his Native American father
seems to know that Edward and his family are blood thirsty
vampires and have some sort of history or something with the
Cullens that results in a really uncomfortable silence at,
oh, every fifty pages of the book. AHHHHH. But just when
Bella is only sort of suicidal, Jacob gets all angsty and
starts orally pleasuring some guy named Sam. Due to this
newfound homosexual attraction to some other sexy, literally
hot (in degrees) Werewolf*16 guy Jacob starts to ignore
Bella and goes off trying to find some hot baby to Imprint
upon.
Did I not yet
mention that Stephenie Meyer is really good friends with
Pedobear?
Bella hates
life. Edward has left her! Where is her sparkly
condensat-ie vampire boyfriend now?! Oh, he’s still watching
her from the dark, masturbating in silence. So, Bella jumps
off a cliff into turbulent waves! So fucking awesome. She
almost drowned you know, but sexy, literally hot (in
degrees) Werewolf saved her at the last moment. That’s when
she realizes that sexy, literally hot (in degrees) Werewolf
Jacob isn’t quite right. He’s a werewolf! As though Meyer
hadn’t beating the fucking shit out of the concept before
delivering to Bella in the simplest of terms. (”Lol, and
like, I realized that Jacob was a werewolf!”) |
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But really, that’s okay. At least she can
keep denying him sex over and over, which
inevitably turns Jacob into a really hairy
Hulk with a massive penis, though that
doesn’t interest Bella, she needs her hard,
cold marble penis that shoots out 100 year
old super sperm. Oh, sorry, that doesn’t
happen in this book.
When Bella inadvertently tried to commit suicide by
jumping off a cliff, which just looked
totally fun and such, Alice (Edward’s sister
thing that has the personality of Tinker
Bell on meth who, as a side effect of the
meth, can see the future and saw Bella
killing herself) comes to see what happened
to Bella. By this point, however, Edward’s
completely unlikable sister thing Rosalie
who has the power of being a super-cunt told
Edward that Bella killed herself (which was
totally unpredictable, especially with
Bella’s rock-solid psyche) Edward wants to
die too! It’s cute, kind of like Romeo And
Juliet but much more retarded and less
bloody, which is kind of ironic, considering
the whole vampire thing). |
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Bear with me
here, it gets better.
So, Edward
travels to Italy where the evil vampire overlords, the
Volturi, live and eat over-marinated Italian people.
Edward gets all
emo, much like all of the fan girls who fantasize sucking
his marble penis, and decides to get the Volturi (who are
basically a bunch of vampire kids who look like the Olsen
Twins and those other twins who played in Big Daddy, before
one got fat). The Volturi value Edward’s ability to
masturbate in the dark to Bella’s sleeping form and refuse
to kill him, but Edward decides that being all sparkly in
front of a bunch of emaciated Italians will do the job.
Death by being sparkly condensat-ie seems a
good way to go. Not gay at all. Fuck, it sounds like a
firebombing of a gay night club. |
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Blah blah,
fuckity, blah. You know, this whole thing would be more
interesting if Bella were played by Ellen Page. At least
then the book would be witty instead of downright depressing
and infuriating. Sure, Ellen Page plays a character that is
witty for the sake of being witty, but if you think that
bothers me than you probably haven’t been reading this
“review”. Not that I wish to subject Ellen Page to the
travesty that is Twilight, but you have to admit that Ellen
Page being eaten from the inside out by a killer fetus thing
would be really, really funny. Jesus Christ, if Michael Cera
played Edward than it would be the best writing on the
planet… next to My Immortal. I don’t think Michael Cera
could be nearly as discreet as Robert Pattinson about the
whole masturbating in the shadows thing though…
Oh yeah, so…
Bella stops Edward from committing suicide by
sparkling condensating all over the place and they
go back to Forks, Washington and the book ends with the
Volturi being really interested in Bella being turned into a
vampire. It’s less that they want her to be a vampire and
more for the lulz.
Hmm.. Eclipse.
Yeah, this book was almost completely irrelevant in the
series. I think Bella finishes High School, solidifies her
future with Edward… again… and prepares to have her vagina
ravaged in Breaking Dawn. |
Cool, now on to Breaking Dawn. From here on
the review will get much dumber because I
need to match my intellect to the source
material.
Okay, so, like, Bella got a new car. Huzzah for stupid
shit that doesn’t matter. That car is like,
totally nice and big and indestructible,
which I guess means that if Bella wraps it
around a tree the window won’t break when
she hits it with her skull.
That’s all cool and Bella will soon marry Edward, which
will probably result in Bella becoming a
vampire. WTF, it took four book to get to
that point? Jesus Christ, I think we can
officially compare New Moon and Eclipse to
that part of the Bible that Pope Palpatine
had removed. Kind of interesting, but
utterly irrelevant due to the fact that
Jesus is actually a zombie… yeah, it’s kind
of like that.
Edward and Bella
have their ceremony, where Bella tells Jacob that she plans
to finally fuck Edward on their honeymoon, before the
vampire transformation which will probably result in vaginal
tearing, bruising, possibly the anti-christ fetus, but if
Bella were turned into a vampire before the sex, which is
logically how the story should have played out, she wouldn’t
have been able to get knocked up by Edward’s ancient SUPER
SPERM, which theoretically should be non-existent, or at
least dead, along with Edward’s ability to get a hard-on. |
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Shane Dawson depicts Edward drinking Bella's
period blood |
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Bella's Vagina |
This sexy revelation really pisses off Jacob for some
reason. Not sure why. It might be because of the spawn of
Satan that could possibly erupt in Bella’s uterus. Bella was okay
with that because the sex was like, totally awesome, fo sho.
In a totally
unexpected turn of events, Bella ended up getting vaginal
tearing, bruising on most of her intimate bits and soon had
the anti-Christ growing in her fossilized womb.
Super, duper
sweet. And unexpected!
Did I mention
that the pregnancy lasts about seven days? Yeah, because
that’s what happens when a human female egg meets with a
dead, 100 year old vampire SUPER SPERM. Like, for serious.
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Edward, who
totally knew that something like this would probably happen,
is super surprised.
And then the
story switches over to Jacob’s point of view for a good
chunk of the book, which makes absolutely no sense
whatsoever considering that Stephenie Meyer (who I just
realized has the initials SM, lulz) knows that most of her
fans hate Jacob and Meyer previously gave no air time to any
other character besides Bella.
During Jacob’s
time in the spot light he became possibly the most unlikable
character in the entire series, next to Bella. Where he was
the only source of intelligence and reason in the entire
series (Bella, he’s a fucking vampire who wants to eat you
and pay for your college. Also, HE’S 100 FUCKING YEARS OLD),
he became a whiney, angst filled emo werewolf. |
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Bella wants to
birth her spawn of Satan. Edward doesn’t want her to because
it will probably kill her. He’s caring like that and all.
Bella figures that Rosalie wants her dead anyway so Bella
gets Rosalie to protect the spawn of Satan, which breaks all
of Bella’s bones, lol. Jacob isn’t particularly happy about
he spawn either and suggests an abortion, to which Edward
agrees and offers up the idea that Jacob rapes Bella in an
attempt to get her to have an abortion, which is a plot
point that makes complete sense. I think that Meyer pulled
heavily from Lot and his daughters for this chapter. This
time, however, no bitches get turned into a pillar of salt
though the internal hemorrhaging did make Bella really horny
for blood. |
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Bella ended up
having the child, who she named Renesmee, which is possibly
the most retarded name that has ever been invented. It is,
of course, a mix of the names Renee and Esme, which are both
fine on their own. Bella could have named her spawn one or
the other but I guess she had to be unique and combine the
names into RENESMEE. FUCKING HELL. Does anybody noticed how
goddamn ridiculous that name is? And the really fucked up
part? You know that someone is going to name their poor,
poor daughter Renesmee. On the day that I meet the parents
who name their child Renesmee I will be kicking some ass.
Back to Renesmee
herself. Jacob had once wanted to kill the baby but was
happy that he didn’t because now he wanted to give her a
good, hard dicking.
Edward turned
Bella into a vampire after eating her placenta and Bella
erupted into the coolest vampire ever.
In fact, Bella
was such a cool vampire that she didn’t even thirst for
human blood at all! She sort of considered eating her dad
for a split second but then realized that he smelled like
masturbation jelly and steak.
Bella’s baby,
Renesmee, was all happy and was like, “I WANT TO TOUCH YOUR
FACE” and did so and everybody loved her, though not quite
as much as Jacob who found that sexually fantasizing about a
half-breed infant vampire human baby spawn was totally fine
and not pedophilic in the least because he couldn’t help
himself. WHERE THE FUCK IS CHRIS HANSON?! |
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Jacob couldn’t
take the conflict, however, and killed himself when Chris
Hanson arrived. It was all for naught, though, because
Renesmee touched Chris’ face and all was well.
That is, until
the Volturi got all pissed off about something.
There was some
sort of conflict but it evaporated when Renesmee touched
everybody’s face. The story ended all happy and such and
Renesmee will be fucking Jacob by the time she’s six.
The end. The
mother fucking end. The god damn, mother fucking, ass
shitting, goat sodomizing, pedobear sympathizing END.
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Please don't sue me...
For the record, this review
is not bigoted in any way. I have a friend who's a gay
vampire and he said that it's okay.
Copyright © SparklyVampires.com
2009
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