Brand New Review of the New Moon Movie. Click here to read.
By Gregory Porter
AKA Cpt. Awesome
Last Updated Feb. 4th, 2010
If I said that I
didn’t enjoy the Twilight Saga I would be lying. I read all
four books, saw the movie and I even read the “Out takes” on
Stephenie Mayer’s website (out takes, similar to deleted scenes from a movie). Please, don’t kill me yet. I must
explain before I am crucified like Tupac, Jesus, Santa Claus
and all of the other fairy tale creatures with good messages
about love, kindness and the pursuit of mad bitches.
Twilight fucking sucks. Hardcore, epic suckiness. The
writing is terrible, hackneyed and totally destroys every
depiction of vampires that has ever been dreamed up by
better writers than Stephenie Meyer. Sure, I enjoy Twilight but I enjoy it in the same way that I "enjoy" watching a burning house. Damn, you feel sorry for the owners of that home and hope that they have good insurance, but I'll be damned if that house fire isn't cool to look at.
There is a reason
why Twilight has a following and it's hard to see or understand if one isn't familiar with the fandom in some way or another. Simply stated, Twilight fans aren't smart enough to realize how terrible the writing of the Twilight Saga really is. For that matter, the majority of
Meyer's fans don’t have a grasp of the English
language, specifically punctuation, let alone whether the language contained in Twilight makes any sense or not. For example: “Lolz im so
ecited for new moon,,, Jacob looks so tasty!!!11!!!”. That
comment is by Ashiza on TwilightSource.com. Ashiza later
added, “Oh em gee i lyk ttly still tuink Edward is hottttt.”
That’s “hot” with five T’s… Eloquent.
Stephenie Meyer
is perhaps the worst thing to happen to literature ever. I mean ever. She's the worst thing since Christopher Paolini decided to take bits and pieces from the Dragon Riders of Pern, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and every other fantasy novel written before 1999 and turn it into FrankenFantasy.
That said, Stephenie Meyer is clever. She certainly understands what makes a young woman’s
(or young homosexual man’s) heart drip with estrogen (and/or
testosterone… or something equally drippy) which is perhaps
the only reason why the saga has such a strong following.
Without sexy immortal men what do you have? No worries, I'll tell you what you have: A poorly written
vampire novel that would soon be found on the discount shelf
at Barnes and Noble, or perhaps in a book burning. Preferably the latter. I'm not typically a fan of book burning but I think that fire is the only way to kill Meyer's vampires.
I do want to say that Stephenie Meyer is by no means stupid.. she's just... an idiot. I qualify it in this way because her other novel, "The Host" isn't terrible (though it still features overly simplistic characters and loads of misogyny) besides the some two-hundred pages in the middle that are incredibly boring. The biggest problem with the Host, however, is that she completely jacked the storyline from K.A. Applegate's children's series, "Animorphs". I'm somewhat surprised that Applegate hasn't sued. My point being that she's capable of writing well, she just has to steal from better authors to do so. Moving on...
I wish that
Meyer had told me her idea and asked me to write it instead.
Not that I’m the best writer on Earth but I do have
something on Meyer: I’m not a complete idiot. I’m not a
Mormon mother with a shelf full of unmemorable harlequin
romance. I have taste. You know, taste? That thing that people who read real literature have? I could make Twilight brilliant.
Think of my version of Twilight like something of a mix
between Stoker and Rice with big, throbbing cocks. Delicious... and necessary.
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